


Under the Gun

by Ash2411



Category: Bellarke - Fandom, The 100 (TV)
Genre: 5 ever, Bellarke, F/M, Gen, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I will then drown in my feels, Multi, Other, hint of echo/bellamy, hint of linctavia, hint of wicken, otp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 23:55:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3747895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ash2411/pseuds/Ash2411
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy and Clarke struggle to cope without one another after the horrific events in Mount Weather. Each of them must find some shred of peace before they can find their way back to each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Almost

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a work that was under the same name a few weeks ago and I was really unhappy with it....So, this is the new and (hopefully) improved edition! Enjoy! :)  
> Explicit Rating Update due to sexual allusions etc.

Bellamy forced himself to take a deep steadying breath, clenching his jaw as he turned his back to Clarke. It was easily one of the hardest things he’d had to do in this damn war. He’d killed, maimed, and struggled against those who wished his people harm. But, now, he had to let one of the very people he’d fought to protect leave everything she loved behind. It wasn’t just anyone though, it was Clarke. Clarke who he’d grown to respect. Clarke who had gone from being a constant obstacle to possibly his closest friend. Whenever he felt doubt rush through him, she’d been there to stem the flow. She always knew just what to say. All Bellamy wanted to do was call out her name, take her hand in his, and bring her inside. After everything that Clarke had been through, she deserved peace. She deserved happiness. But, instead she was punishing herself, and he tried to tell her that she was forgiven, that she wasn’t alone. That he would always be here for her. Bellamy was okay with sharing the burden of pulling that lever. If he were faced with the decision he would do it again; there was no other option. There was no other way to get their people out of that mountain alive. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t let anything happen to any of them, that he would take care of them as best he could. That’s what he had done. But, Clarke didn’t see that side of things. All she could see was the blood on her hands and he didn’t know what to say to wash it all away.

 

So, he turned away with a grimace and forced himself to keep moving forward. Clarke knew what was best for herself. She was smart and strong and resourceful. Bellamy trusted her.

 

But, it didn’t stop him from worrying about her safety.

 

He roughly wiped away the tears on his cheeks and forced himself to walk inside the confines of the camp, the autumn sun warming his back, a gentle breeze tousling his curls.

 

* * *

 

Clarke felt paper thin, as though all it would take was a slight wind and she would crumble. She made her way into the shadows of the trees, letting the tears stream down her face, each one a silent apology for every life she had taken, every life lost in this war. Clarke tried not to think about Monty and Raven. She forced herself not to think of Bellamy’s face as she told him she was leaving. She begged herself not to think of her weakened mother when she found out that she had left...

 

As she wandered aimlessly through the closely spaced trees, Clarke unbuckled the leather strap across her back, freeing her chest of it’s weight. She removed her studded gauntlet, letting it slip through her fingers to the forest floor. Let it be buried with the rest of the past, she thought. Each step carried her further and further away from the reminders of her poisonous guilt.

 

Without realizing it, Clarke had begun to tread a familiar path and found herself facing the camp around the dropship. The doors were still swung wide, revealing the charred remains of 300 grounders. Clarke frowned and walked around the perimeter of the camp, her fingers trailing across the wood and metal of the walls. In front of her, laid out in a neat row, were 18 graves. Tears blurred Clarke’s vision as she looked at one particular mound. For a fleeting moment, a vision of a smiling Wells hovered before her eyes; she blinked and it was gone. Clarke stumbled forward and fell to her knees, plunging her slight fingers into the cold soil.

 

“What happened to us, Wells? How did we get here?” She whispered to the earth. The silence that greeted her ears was deafening.

 

* * *

 

Bellamy ensured that everyone was settled. The injured were in medical, being treated by a very ruffled Jackson, the relatively healthy were resting in their tents. There wasn’t nearly enough room for everyone, so some of the stronger were putting up extra tents and the rest filed into the ark, toting sleeping bags and thin blankets with them. Bellamy made a mental note to tell Kane that they needed to retrieve more supplies from the Bunker if possible. Winter would be here soon, and if the lessons on the ark had been accurate, it wouldn’t be easy. They would need to re-evaluate living arrangements and rations. Bellamy’s sadness and worry felt out of place on such a victorious occasion, but all he could think was, It’s not over yet. There were still things that needed to be attended to. He promised Clarke that he would take care of them for her, and so he would.

 

Once everything had settled down and the camp was quiet, Bellamy finally allowed himself to trudge to his room, far inside the ark. On his way he stopped by Octavia’s room, about to knock on the door, but before his knuckles made contact, the metal swung away from him and Octavia’s face appeared. She was carrying her pack, her room completely cleared of what little she had.

 

“You going somewhere?” Bellamy asked, his brows furrowing. The thought of losing his sister the same day as Clarke was unbearable.

 

Octavia seemed to sense his concern. She reached out, resting her hand on Bellamy’s forearm. “I decided that I’m going to move into Lincoln’s tent outside. Being locked in here in the ark isn’t really my thing anymore.” Octavia revealed a small smile as she said the words, but Bellamy could tell that it wasn’t quite genuine. “I think being outside near the earth, out in the open would feel much nicer. Besides, we need space for people, and I am more than happy to be living with Lincoln.”

 

“Oh.” Was all Bellamy could muster. Relieved flooded through him, followed immediately by a twinge of annoyance. Bellamy like Lincoln a lot; he held no lasting grudge for Lincoln diverging from their plan in Mount Weather and succumbing to his addiction. Everything turned out alright in the end. But, the thought of Lincoln sleeping next to his sister (or not sleeping) left him feeling less than fond of the whole situation. Octavia, sensing this, threw her arms around Bellamy’s neck.

 

“I’m a big girl, Bell. I can handle myself.” She said into his ear, then she clapped him on the back and walked away, her footsteps echoing in the empty hallway.

 

Bellamy shook his head and made his way towards his room. Once alone, he shut the door behind him and stood staring at the small, bare room. He supposed he should have felt a sense of accomplishment, but instead all he felt was worn out. His muscles ached and his eyelids felt heavy. He peeled away the clothes of dead man and slipped on a pair of worn cotton pants from his pack, salvaged from the remains of the crashed factory station, most likely taken from yet another dead body. Bellamy wondered if he would ever wear his own clothes again. Now that he was still, his body seemed to ache worse than ever. Each bruise felt amplified, and his heart sank into a melancholy state. He closed his eyes, willing peaceful sleep to come to him. His last thought as he drifted to sleep was of Clarke, and whether she would find a safe, warm place to sleep for the night…

 

* * *

Clarke sighed, standing outside the dented dropship where everything started. As she stepped forward, rock and bone crunched beneath her feet. Her heart felt like it was resting somewhere in her belly, weighing her down. Finally, she swept aside the tarp and entered the darkening dropship. Bits and pieces left behind by the kids were strewn about the ground floor. She ascended to the second floor, searching until she found what she was looking for: Wells’ jacket. Bellamy had saved it, unbeknownst to Clarke until a few days after his death. He had then gifted it to Clarke, knowing how much Wells had meant to her prior to their falling out. In the chaos of battle she had hidden it away. She shook off Lexa’s jacket, throwing it into a corner, and slipped the dark, oversized jacket over her shoulders. It wasn’t much but it would keep out the chilly wind. Clarke then climbed another ladder until she was on the third level. The setting sun streamed through a gaping hole in the wall, the remnant of Murphy’s dramatic escape after he tried to kill Bellamy. For a moment, Clarke wondered where Murphy was, then she realized it didn’t really matter anymore.

 

She slid to the floor in front of the opening, hugging her knees to her chest. Then she cried. She cried for her father, who only wanted to save the people on the ark. She cried for Wells, innocent and kind. She cried for Finn, who had turned from peacemaker to murderer in this cruel world. She cried for Maya, for the innocent children she had killed, the people who had helped her keep those inside the mountain safe. She cried for her mother. She cried for Bellamy, left to shoulder this burden of caring for hundreds on his own.  

 

Clarke felt as though it would never end. The pain was so raw and deep that she feared it would never go away. The guilt, the regret...it went to the bone, it felt like it was all she was made of. Everything she touched was destroyed. Clarke had tried so hard to do the right thing; she’d saved her people, she’d done what she set out to do. It was over now. She just wanted the pain to stop.

 

Except it was never really over.

 

When the tears slowed and her body felt heavy with fatigue, she descended the ladder to the second floor. The sun had set, leaving her in darkness. Clarke shut and locked the two doors, barring herself from the outside world and the cold winds. Then she curled up in a ball on the floor, pulling her jacket tight around her. As soon as she closed her eyes, she regretted it. Images of blistered, writhing Mountain Men flashed before her eyes. Her heartbeat sped up, and her eyes welled up with tears again. Clarke struggled to control her breathing, and cast her mind elsewhere. She thought about the feeling of cold water washing over her skin, the taste of fresh forest air in her lungs, the sound of birds calling out in the woods...but the images of the dead seemed to hover around every corner of her mind.

 

So instead, she thought of the last thing she had seen before leaving camp, her freshest memory. Clarke thought of Bellamy; the smell of his skin as she nuzzled into his neck, the feel of his solid, warm arms wrapped around her body, the soft skin of his cheek beneath her kiss. Her mind tumbled over thoughts of Bellamy’s hand on her shoulder, a reassurance, and the way his voice sounded as it formed her name.

 

It was to these memories that she fell asleep, feeling almost normal..

 

Almost.

  



	2. Wound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions run high as Octavia questions Bellamy's feelings for Clarke and Clarke faces Lexa for the first time since her betrayal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken me so long to post! School has been insanely busy! But, now that I am on break, I hope this will come easier and you guys will enjoy it! Thanks for reading! Please leave comments and let me know what you think!

Months passed like sand through Bellamy’s fingers. The day after Clarke left, Bellamy had taken Jasper out  to a clearing near their camp to bury Maya, wrapped in a blanket, like a child. Jasper had cried, and Bellamy had gently patted his shoulder, sending a silent prayer to the girl beneath the ground. Now that mound of soil was covered in a deep layer of white ice. Winter approached quickly, and heavy snow forced everyone to retreat to the Ark for shelter. It was nearly impossible to establish any kind of permanent structure in this weather. The frigid temperatures were brutal and once outside it was almost impossible to see more than a few inches in front of yourself.  All efforts had to be halted, although most didn’t seem to mind, glad to have a break, and wildly fascinated by the snow.

Bellamy stood at one of the larger windows, staring out at the thickly falling snow, arms crossed over his chest. Octavia stepped up behind him and wrapped her arm around his waist. He looked down at her with a smile and slung his arm over her shoulder.

“It’s beautiful, huh?” She said, nodding out at the snow.

“Mm.” Bellamy grunted, following her gaze. It was beautiful. It was incredible. Bellamy had never seen anything like it before. However, every time he glanced out at the whirlwind of white flakes, his thoughts turned to Clarke. All he could think about was the possibility of her lying out there somewhere, alone, buried in the snow. Octavia looked up at him and frowned at his disgruntled expression.

“What’s wrong, big brother?” She asked.

“Nothing, O. I’m fine. Just…” He sighed. “worried about things.”

“About Clarke?” Octavia dropped her arm from his side and folded her arms, mirroring his stance. When had she grown up? Bellamy thought. He was so proud of her, yet some portion of him wished she were still little, screaming for piggyback rides and stories of Grecian heroes.

Bellamy shifted his weight, stalling. “Yes. About Clarke. Among other things.”

“Bellamy, Clarke’s a big girl. She can take care of herself.” Octavia said, her voice cold. “Besides, why should you care? She sent you on a suicide mission. She was going to let everyone in ton DC die-”

“Octavia-” Bellamy started.

“She was going to let me die.” Octavia cut in. Her words silenced him. He reached out to her, but she pulled away.

“Clarke did what needed to be done. Being a leader means you don’t always have the luxury of making easy choices where everyone gets to live. I proposed the idea of my going to Mount Weather to her. I chose to do that.” Bellamy said, massaging the bridge of his nose, eyes closed. They had been through this same argument a hundred times.

“You went because she told you to go. If anyone else had told you to go, you’d have told them to fuck off.” Octavia said, her cheeks and neck reddening in anger.

“Octavia, if I hadn’t gone into that mountain, we’d all be dead. There was no other way to get insider information. As for Ton DC...Clarke cares about you. She would never put you in danger unless it were absolutely necessary.”

“Right.” Octavia scoffed. “I bet she cared about Maya too. You know, all Maya wanted was to see the earth. It’s been months and Jasper is still grieving. And it’s Clarke’s fault.”

“No. You wanna blame someone? Blame me, Octavia. I put my hand on hers. I pulled that lever too. I made that choice. And I don’t regret it. Maya was a good person. She saved my life. But, we couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save Maya and save everyone else. I wouldn’t have been able to save you.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself, Bellamy.” She looked away from him, jaw set.

Bellamy sighed. “You done?” He asked her, looking at her profile, half of her face in shadow.

“Yeah. Just one more question.” She said, still looking away. “When’re you gonna get the hell over her?”

Bellamy’s eyebrows knitted together. “What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about. She left us, Bell. She left you. And she’s not going to come back.” Octavia said, her voice dangerously quiet, quivering in anger and disappointment. Octavia had looked up to Clarke. Bellamy could tell that she was hurt that Clarke had not lived up to her expectations, but it didn’t stop him from feeling pissed at his sister for what she was insinuating.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said, trying to dampen his irritation. Octavia opened her mouth to continue to argue and Bellamy lashed out. “Just stop, Octavia. You don’t really have room to criticize Clarke, having slept with a grounder from the very clan that betrayed us all. ”

Bellamy regretted the words as soon as they fell from his mouth. Octavia looked as though she had been slapped in the face. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she blinked them away, replying: “At least I’m in love with someone who would never betray me or leave me behind. At least I matter.” Then she turned and walked away, leaving Bellamy feeling even worse than when she’d found him.

* * *

Clarke wiped the sweat from her brow, feeling a great sense of accomplishment as she looked down at at the neat  zigzags of thread holding a little boy’s wound together. She was improving with each patient.

“Thank you so much, Clarke Griffin of the sky people.” The little boy’s mother said to her, stumbling over the English words.

“ai laik glad kom...fisa.” Clarke said, the foreign syllables feeling jumbled in her mouth. She smiled, as the mother and son walked towards their hut, talking quickly in the Trigedasleng language.

Close rose from the wooden bench she had been seated on and brushed her hair back from her face before turning to rinse her hands in a bowl of water. Ever since leaving Camp Jaha, Clarke had been traveling with no destination in mind. She aimed only to put distance between herself and her people. She had encountered welcoming clans of grounders along her way, sometimes staying with them, other times moving on after a few moments rest.

Clarke was surprised at the kindness most clans had shown her. She had approached the first clan with great caution, prepared to run if need be, but they had surprised her:

“Klark kom skai kru. The girl who brought down a mountain. We are forever in your debt.” They had said to her. Some looked at her with reverence, some with fear. The statement had made Clarke want to shed her own skin. She felt sickened by the recognition, terrified that this would be all that she would ever be known for: murder and destruction.  Each time someone alluded to her role in the fall of the mountain she would look at the ground. Clarke wanted to prove to these people that she could be better, that she was better. So, she volunteered to be various clans’ healer. She listened while the different healers taught her which herbs to use against infection, what to use in the absence of thread. In exchange, Clarke taught them what she had learned in medical on the Ark. No matter how many people she healed, she still felt as though she would never heal herself. There were times when she felt impossibly alone, incurable, and tainted by her past.

And then there were times like this, when she healed another, and it reminded her of why she’d set out to win the war against the grounders, then the mountain men: because at heart, Clarke just wanted to help people. She wanted to help those she loved so badly that she had drifted astray, allowing people like Lexa to manipulate her. Clarke’s hand had been forced so many times in this war. The only time she had felt the slightest amount of relief was when Bellamy had placed his on hers, a silent promise that he would carry this weight with her, never pushing her, only supporting her. Bellamy had trusted her. And Clarke trusted him, possibly more than anyone else, hence why it was Bellamy she had spoken to last, and Bellamy that she’d left to care for the others. He would do a better job that she ever could.

At the thought of Bellamy, she felt a dull ache in her chest. More often than not, the last thought that drifted through Clarke’s mind before she slept was of Bellamy’s expression when she’d told him she was leaving. Each time, she would take a deep breath and remind herself that she had made her choices, and he had made his, and now the two of them would have to find peace separately. Clarke needed to understand who she was now, killer or coward, warrior or peacemaker. Seeing Bellamy alive after Lexa abandoned her had been both a punch to the stomach and a dousing wave of hope. Bellamy would never abandon her; his gaze as he returned Octavia’s hug told her that. And yet, she had allowed him to enter the mountain alone. Clarke couldn’t shake that feeling of betrayal. She couldn’t stop thinking that she was even worse than Lexa, abandoning those who were supposed to be her own.

Clarke’s head swam with these thoughts as she made her way to her tent in the grounder camp, one she shared with another woman, named Talia. It was on nights like these, when the weight of the past was enough to suffocate her, that she tried to blot it all out. Sometimes she would read the books the grounders had preserved, other times she would drink enough to grant herself dreamless sleep, occasionally she would sleep next to Talia, their skin touching and their breaths exhausted and shallow. And always, after a few weeks, just as she became comfortable with her environment, she would move on.

Tonight, Clarke sat in her tent, a biology book spread open on her lap. She was engrossed in examining a photo of an exotic plant when she heard a rustle as someone pushed aside the flap of her tent. It was a young boy, his hair shaved on one side, a braid falling across his shoulder, a tattoo running down his neck.

He nodded, casting his eyes downward in a gesture of respect. Then he said, “Clarke. Someone is here to see you. It’s urgent.”

Clarke’s eyebrows knitted together in concern. She nodded her head and pulled a jacket on, ducking out behind the young man. Some flicker of hope blossomed in her chest. Maybe he had come for her; maybe somehow he had found her…The boy, Aaron, she thought was his name, pushed open the door to the meeting house. The figure before her was not Bellamy. It was a tall, slender woman, draped in furs and leather, her long brown hair pushed back from her face with a strip of cloth.

“Lexa?” Clarke said, eyes wide. The last time she had seen the commander, she had been leaving Clarke and her people to die at the mercy of the mountain men. Surprise quickly turned to anger and resentment, but she held her tongue.

“Clarke. I heard word that you were staying in a grounder village.” Lexa said, softly, searching Clarke’s face. “I’m glad that I found you.” Her words seemed to echo those from the past, almost exactly the words that Finn had spoken to her after he’d slaughtered a village...

“Well, evidently you heard correct.” Clarke retorted, choosing to ignore Lexa’s last statement.

“Leave us.” Lexa said to Aaron. He nodded and left the two of them alone. “Clarke, I’m relieved to see that you’re alive. I heard rumors….they’re saying that you destroyed the mountain, that mount weather is finally defeated. It seems we owe you a great debt.”

“Did you forget that we no longer hold an alliance, commander?” Clarke said, her eyes burning. “The minute you struck a deal with Cage Wallace and left me to die, you sort of terminated that. Besides I’m no longer the leader of the Ark. You owe me nothing. I did what I had to to protect my people. Sound familiar?”

Lexa swallowed and looked at the ground. It was odd, how she looked like a petulant child to Clarke now, when she used to look so fiersome. “I stand by what I did, Clarke. I saw no other way.”

Clarke ignored her words. “The difference is, I never would have had to make that decision had you not betrayed our alliance. Not only are some of my own dead, but countless innocent mountain men are now dead too.”

“War makes killers of us all.” Lexa said, stepping forward, as if to reach out to Clarke.

“Stop.” Clarke said, her eyes filling with tears, “Don’t you dare pretend to understand what happened there. There were children in that mountain. There were innocents who helped us. All of them are dead now because of the choice I had to make in light of your new alliance.”

Lexa stopped short, looking at Clarke’s face. “I understand your frustration. Leaders must often make difficult decisions. We were both under pressure to protect those we are responsible for. I had hoped, now that peace has been achieved, we could form a peaceful relationship. Not just, the sky people and the grounders, but-”

“Commander” Clarke said coldly, fighting the quiver in her voice. “I know that you did what you thought you had to. But, I don’t think there’s anything achievable for us, past a civil acquaintanceship. I don't want to see you again.”

Lexa swallowed and held her head high. “Well, as I said before, I would like to form an alliance, if possible. The sky people have proven that they are a strong assemblage of people.”

“I told you. I’m not their leader anymore. I did what I set out to do, and I want no part in this. I just want to move on. If you’ll excuse me, I have things to attend to.” Clarke said. She held Lexa’s gaze for a moment longer, allowing her vexation and sorrow to fill her up. Then she turned on her heel and exited the meeting hall, taking great gasps of air, her head swimming. When she reached her tent, she sunk to the ground, allowing her tears to fall, and her grief to wash over her. Some part of her was glad that she had finally come face to face with Lexa, and in doing so had faced that part of her wound.

 **  
** Once her tears had dried, Clarke made her choice. It was time to move on. If Lexa was going to attempt an alliance with her people, she had to warn them, even if she couldn’t stay, she had to warn them of what was coming.


	3. History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A figure from Bellamy's past arrives at the gates of the Ark with a proposal of sorts.

Bellamy awoke, drenched in sweat. His stomach churned with discomfort and he rose into a sitting position, pushing his dark curls away from his face. He had been dreaming of the mountain and the scorching liquids used to decontaminate him. His skin still prickled and his heart was beating a tattoo into his chest. Bellamy knew from experience that he wouldn’t be getting any sleep after the nightmare. Instead he wandered around the empty hallways of the ark, looking out at the dew on the grass as the early morning sun rose and enveloped the earth in it’s warmth.. Spring was finally creeping towards them. Construction of more permanent structures like homes and the medical bay was well underway. Bellamy had spent his fair share of time helping to build these homes. His shoulders still ached, the muscles in his back felt spent, and yet he also felt a certain amount of pride; his people were resilient and strong.

 

He slipped a sweatshirt over his head, stepped out into the morning chill and almost ran into Raven. “Shit...Raven you almost gave me a heart attack. What’re you doing up so early?” He asked her.

 

“Habit.” She said, smirking. Being a mechanic, Raven had to wake up at all hours to work on things on the ark. Some things never change. “What’re you doing up?”

 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Bellay answered shortly. Raven dropped her gaze to her feet, sad understanding etched across her face. Her sympathetic eyes made his face burn. He didn’t want anyone’s sympathy.. “I’m fine though. Got a lot to do anyways. Wick up yet? We need to start thinking about electricity for the homes we’re building. We need to expand our power from the ark.”

 

“Right. Well, he’s still sleeping. We were up pretty late last night…” Raven’s cheeks began to redden, but she stared at Bellamy determinedly. Bellamy tried to suppress a smile and  failed. A grin spread across his face.

 

“Yeah, I heard.” He said, trying not to laugh. Raven and Wick’s room wasn’t far from his own and metal walls were unbearably thin.

 

“Shut up, you dick.” Raven laughed. She punched him on the arm, harder than he would have liked, as she slipped past him into the ark.

 

“Hey, Raven!” Bellamy called out to her. She turned to him, still smiling, and raised her eyebrows in question. “I’m glad that you’re happy.” Raven’s smile widened and she nodded.

 

“Me too.”

 

* * *

That evening, Bellamy volunteered to guard the gate. Some small part of him hoped that he would see a flash of golden waves and Clarke would come out of the woods to greet him, but the reasonable part of him didn’t consider it likely. He threw the red, ripe apple he had snuck out of the kitchen into the air, grinning as he caught it. Then he bit into it, the juice sweet and tart in his mouth. Just as he was settling down, cradling his gun, his sharp eyes caught movement in the woods. He stood, bringing the scope up to his eye. For a moment, Bellamy saw nothing, then he caught a glimpse of dirty blonde hair through the gaps in the trees. His heart skipped a beat. He fought to control his impulse reaction, steadying his hands, bringing the scope back up to his eye.

 

“Miller!” He shouted, looking back over his shoulder. “Open the gate!”

 

“What’s up?” Miller said. “Should I get back-up?” His voice was even, but Bellamy could see a flicker of fear in his eyes.

 

“No, no. I just want to check on something. Keep an eye out. I’ll signal if I need reinforcements. Watch the gate.” Then he stepped through the opening in the gate, keeping his gun at his shoulder, his muscles tense with  anticipation and his heart thumping with more than fear. If it was her...If it was Clarke...His stomach felt as though he’d missed a step going down a flight of stairs.

 

Once he was under the shade of the trees he scanned the area, keeping quiet so that he could hear. In under a minute, he heard the slightest rustle of leaves, and turned towards the sound. Bellamy nearly dropped his gun in shock. In front of him stood a tall blonde woman, her roots a dark brown, her skin tanned. Her eyebrows were sharply arched, giving her an almost animalistic fierceness. She stood before him, a small smile on her lips and her hands up in a gesture of peace. Bellamy’s brows furrowed in recognition, but  he didn’t lower his gun.

 

It was Echo.

 

* * *

“Don’t shoot!” Bellamy shouted, Echo walking in front of him. He had relaxed his grip on his gun, but it still sat heavily in his hands, weighing him down. Echo sauntered forward, her arms held out at her sides as she walked forward. “We’re coming in.” Miller opened the gate and Abby rushed forward.

 

“What is this? What’s going on?” Her voice sounded rough and guarded, as it often did these days.

 

“Her name is Echo-” Bellamy started.

 

“I am Ice Nation.” Echo said in her gravelly voice. “My Commander, Natalia sent me to speak with your leader. I mean no harm to your people.”

 

A circle of people had gathered around the three of them, and as Bellamy looked out at them, he saw confusion and suspicion. “Maybe we should take this inside.” He said to Abby, his eyes still scanning the crowd.

 

“Is that a Grounder?” Someone shouted.

 

“What the fuck is happening?” Someone else grunted.

 

“Did the Commander send her? Send that bitch back where she came from!”

 

“Shut up! We don’t even know what’s happening!”

 

Echo looked out at the crowd, her gaze free of fear and entirely unfazed by the hostility. “I have not been sent by Lexa. She is not my leader, and she is no friend of mine.”

 

“Inside. Now.” Abby said to Bellamy. He gently reached out to Echo, attempting to guide her through the throngs of people, but she flinched away from his touch. Bellamy let his hand drop, give her an understanding glance. After being caged for months and almost bled dry, he’d be a little jumpy too. A few days was enough torture. He couldn’t imagine what Echo must have experienced at the hands of Cage and his followers. At the entrance to the Ark, Echo dropped her knife and sword in a basin at the side of the door, hesitating for only a moment.

 

Once they were inside, Abby fetched Kane and they all seated themselves around the old council table. “Bellamy, maybe you should wait outside.” Abby said calmly.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Bellamy replied. He remained standing, but crossed his arms across his chest. Kane met his eyes and nodded.

 

“My name is Echo. My Commander is Natalia of the Ice Nation, as I said before. She sent me here to meet with your leader, Clarke. Why is she not present?” Echo said, looking around the table.

 

Abby threw a glance at Bellamy, her eyes full sadness and hurt. She looked away from him, and towards Echo. “Clarke isn’t here. She’s no longer in charge.” Echo turned to look at Bellamy and he slowly met her gaze.

 

“Clarke left a few months ago. She hasn’t returned. Abby Griffin is her mother. And our chancellor. Any ideas you wish to propose can be directed to her. My name is Marcus Kane. I’m the...vice chancellor..” Kane explained. Bellamy grimaced. Those titles felt so out of place on the ground, only appropriate light years away in another time and place.

 

“Reasoning matters not.  You say Abby is your leader now? Well, then I will put Natalia’s proposal to her. She wishes to form an alliance with your people. Lexa and her clans have been laying waste to our people for some time now. She once sent her lover, Costia, to us as a spy. When we discovered what she was, she was executed. Yet, Lexa still persists. I was a prisoner of the mountain when the war she started, aligned with your people, began. Bellamy,” Echo said, turning to look at him, “saved my life. When Lexa realized I was not one of her own, she threw me out into the cold to starve or freeze. She did not care. I found my way back to my people. Lexa may be a strong leader. But, she is also ruthless and selfish. She broke the alliance you had once formed with her when she left your people to die. I did not agree with this choice. Neither does my commander. There is a good chance that Lexa will extend an invitation to rekindle your alliance, now that you have proved your worth. If you deny her, she may destroy you yet. My leader would like to extend that hand of peace first. We would offer your people protection. We would willingly form an alliance with you. One of strength and endurance. Unlike the Trikru, we do not break our promises so easily. “

 

Bellamy’s mind instantly began to kick into gear, working to understand what exactly was being offered here and rather it was worth the taking. Abby and Kane appeared to be doing much the same thing. Finally, Abby spoke.

 

“We appreciate your leader’s offer.. We’ll need a few days to consider, if that’s alright. You may stay here, while we deliberate. I guarantee you will be kept safe during your stay.”

 

“I don’t need protection.” Echo said, her gaze piercing.

 

“You understand why you must remain unarmed during your stay here.” Kane said, not unkindly.

 

Echo nodded and Bellamy suspected that Echo didn’t need a weapon to defend herself.

 

“Well then, let me show you to your quarters. You can stay in my section of the Ark….” Abby’s voiced drifted as she led Echo down the hallway. Before leaving the room, Echo tossed one last glance over her shoulder at Bellamy. Something in her gaze, left his stomach feeling warm and heavy.

 

* * *

After Abby and Kane made the announcement to their people and explained their situation, things seemed to settle down. While there were those who felt less than kindly towards Echo, merely because of her grounder-status, most handled the news of her stay rather well. Bellamy was proud of the delinquents; they accepted Echo with kindness, asking about her home, questioning her about her culture. Only a few of them gave her a wide berth. Even Raven didn’t disagree with her staying in the Ark, although she approached Echo cautiously.

 

That night, as Bellamy settled down in his room, a knock sounded on his door. “Come in!” He called, keeping his back turned, untying his boots. When he turned, it was to find Echo standing in his doorway, clothed only in a thin gray shirt and tight black pants. Without breaking his gaze, she shut the door behind her and leaned against it, unashamedly giving Bellamy a once-over.  

“I never got the chance to thank you, Bellamy.” She said, a small grin on her face. “When Natalia announced her plans, I asked her if I could play messenger. I wanted to show you my gratitude to you. A sky person.”

 

“Echo, you’re the one who saved my life. If you hadn’t helped me when you did, I’m pretty sure we’d all be dead.” Bellamy said, quietly. The last time he had seen her, she had been clad in gauze, bony and frail looking, gripping Lovejoy’s wrist.. Now, after months of recovery, she stood before him, her body a maze of hills and curves, slender, but strong. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d really paid attention to a woman’s body. Echo noticed his gaze and stepped forward.

 

“You’re very good looking, for an alien that fell from the sky.” She said, circling him. “Not to mention, you’re incredibly gentle in disposition for a man so strong.”

 

“Look, I don’t mean to be rude or anything but, is this going somewhere?” Bellamy asked, his jaw clenching. Something was stirring in his gut and it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. He felt his neck and ears warm as he flushed.

 

Echo stopped before him, so close he could count her eyelashes. She reached up and gently caressed his cheek with a smile, then she closed the distance between them and kissed him.

 

It had been a long time since Bellamy had kissed anyone, but his body responded on instinct, his mouth moved along with hers and his hands came to rest on her hips. 6 months ago, Bellamy would have kept going. But, the past was history. He was different. He pulled away.

 

“I don’t know exactly how things work in the Ice Nation, but you sure as hell don’t owe me something here. You know that right?  I mean, it’s not that I don’t-It’s just that-” Bellamy said,his hands shaking.

 

“Bellamy. I am doing this because I want to. Purely because I want you. If you want me to leave, I’ll go. But, I don’t like to sleep alone and I get the feeling you don’t like to anymore either.” She whispered. Something in him broke at her words. An image of Clarke’s face, tears sliding down her cheeks ran through his mind, but he pushed it away. It was true; ever since Mount Weather, Bellamy had hated sleeping alone, the room always feeling impossibly large and empty and yet suffocating. He would always keep himself active and busy during the day in an attempt to quiet his mind, and exhaust his body, determined to drown out the nightmares, and the fear.

  
Without a word, Bellamy kissed Echo, and hoisted her up in his arms, carrying her towards his bed. He dropped her onto it, and she pulled him to her, rolling them over to straddle him. Her kisses were bruising and her tongue was sharp with desire. She tore at his shirt and he obliged, pulling it over his head, and she removed her own, bearing herself to him. His eyes dropped to her chest and she yanked him forward, breathing heavily, and slid a hand down his chest. When she reached his belt, she yanked at it roughly, never breaking eye contact. Bellamy felt an ache in his lower belly. He closed his eyes and shoved Echo back down against the bed rolling over once more and kissing her neck as she shoved his pants down. When they both lay naked, Echo wrapped her legs around his waist and he felt himself sink into her, and for a short amount of time, everything felt muted, and far away, the pain and worry dull and distant. When it was over, Echo draped herself across him, sinking into a deep sleep. Bellamy laid awake for some time afterwards, his limbs feeling heavy, his breathing deep and even. When he finally fell asleep, it was dreamless and dark.


	4. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally returns home.

Clarke set off that night, neglecting to tell anyone of her departure. Seeing Lexa’s face again had caused some sort of break in her. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to face her people, but she had to warn them. Something in Lexa’s expression told her that she wasn’t likely to drop the idea of a truce, and if she couldn’t procure one, her reaction was unlikely to be docile.

Clarke’s heart was pounding. The walk to Camp Jaha was probably around 10 hours or so from the Grounder camp she had been staying at. If she kept going all night and most of tomorrow, she could make it there in a day. Her legs ached and her stomach grumbled, but she continued winding her way through the darkened forest for as long as she could. When she stopped, it was only to eat some of the fruit and nuts she had packed for her journey. Then she wrapped herself in the shawl the grounders had given her, covering her light hair, and set off once again.

* * *

Bellamy awoke in the early hours of the morning, his room shrouded in darkness. Although he couldn’t see, he knew that Echo was no longer beside him. He felt something like relief stirring within him. It had been a week since Echo had appeared in the woods with a peace offering on her lips. Still, they had not come to a solid conclusion on details of a truce between the ice nation and the Ark. Grounder politics were complicated and sometimes brutal, something that Bellamy wasn’t entirely comfortable with.

Echo had stayed in his room a few times (much to Octavia’s amusement), but Bellamy was glad to wake by himself for once. Ever since the events at Mount Weather he found himself simultaneously craving physical comfort and yet desperately wanting to be alone. Echo’s presence offered the solid, reassuring physicality he needed. For now that was more than enough.

He climbed out of bed, washing up and pulling on a t-shirt. It was snug on his arms, but it would do. Before he could get his boots on, Monty was crashing through the door, out of breath.

“Monty, what the hell? What’s wrong?” He said, dropping his shoe laces.

“Bellamy. It’s...It’s her. It’s-”

Before Monty could finish his sentence, Bellamy had tucked the loose laces into his boots and raced out the door. His heart was pounding, but out of fear or excitement he couldn’t say which. What if something had happened to her? What if she was dead? His stomach dropped and he pushed his feet harder, running past Harper, then Octavia, who turned to follow him, shouting a question he didn’t stop to hear. Bellamy pushed through the doors to the Ark, a downpour of rain greeting him. A large crowd of people were gathered around the gate. Raven came running towards him, slowed by her brace and the damp, muddy ground.

“She’s home, Bellamy. She’s home.”

He reached the edge of the crowd, slowing down, suddenly nervous. The last time he had seen her, they had just survived something horrible together. They had walked eight hours, shared tidbits of their experiences without one another. He had asked her to come inside and she had turned her back to him, unable to do so. He could still feel her breath in his ear as she whispered “may we meet again.” He could remember the way she smelled, like smoke and war.

Her lips on his cheek…

Rain fell from the sky, soaking through Bellamy’s shirt. His hair was plastered to his face and he pushed it away roughly as he approached the center of the crowd. He passed Jasper, unsure if he was crying or rather it was just the rain. Kane clapped him on the back and smiled. Everything felt as though he were in a fog. Abby was in the middle, her arms wrapped tightly around a small figure shrouded in dark clothing and a shawl. They parted, Abby crying freely, and Bellamy saw her.

Their eyes met and he was reminded of the moment he had entered the camp and they had seen each other for the first time since the battle with the grounders. Bellamy didn’t move though. He marveled at her presence, but didn’t want to crowd her. Rather than running for one another, they slowly walked towards one another and met in the middle. Clarke looked at the ground nervously, then said lowly, just so Bellamy could hear:

“So, how about that drink?”

 **  
** Bellamy smiled and pulled her into a tight hug. Clarke’s fingers tangled in his wet hair and his hands gripped her through her soaked clothes, lifting her feet from the ground.


	5. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy helps Clarke get settled into camp.

Abby ushered Clarke inside as the crowd dispersed. It was chaotic as everyone fought to see what was causing the commotion, and some greeted and hugged their returned leader. Clarke felt overwhelmed in every sense of the word; there were too many people, too much was going on. Her head was spinning and her chest felt tight with anxiety and anticipation.. She followed her mother, wiping tears from her cheeks. Bellamy followed closely behind her and no one questioned his presence. Once Abby, Bellamy, Kane, and Clarke were gathered in the council room, she felt her lungs expand in relief. Bellamy hadn’t said much since hugging her. She kept stealing glances at him. Something was different.

“Clarke. We’re so happy you’re back.” Kane said warmly, placing his hand on her shoulder.

“Well, I didn’t...I didn’t just come back.” Clarke began. She wanted to get straight to the point. Drawing this out would only leave everyone hurting even more. “While I was staying in a grounder village a few hours north of here Lexa came into the camp. She wants to extend a peace offering to you. She wants you to forgive her for betraying all of us. I told her I wasn’t the leader anymore, but..I wanted to warn you. I didn’t want her to...I wanted you to have plenty of time to consider this.” Clarke stammered slightly. She felt worn and rusty with her own people- her own family.

“Lexa wants peace? She should have defended us. This is….” Abby trailed off. “Clarke we can worry about this in the later. You just got home. It’s going to be okay-”

“I don’t know if I’m staying.” Clarke said, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

“What? Clarke, of course you’re staying. I’m not losing you again.” Abby said, pulling Clarke to her. Clarke felt mixed emotions swirling through her chest. She clung to her mother, feeling small. There was so much love in her heart, and so much hurt. These people had been hurt by her. By her decisions.

“This is important. Mom, you need to think about this. Lexa can’t be trusted. She’s not going to walk away from this easily-”

“The Ice Nation has made us a similar offer.”

Clarke’s head turned towards Bellamy, her mouth dropping open slightly. It was the first thing he had said since her arrival.

“The Ice Nation? How did…?”

“Echo. A grounder from the mountain. She was Ice Nation. Lexa threw her out after she realized it, and Echo returned to Natalia, her leader. Natalia wants to create an alliance. She’s offered peace and protection to us.” Bellamy said, folding his arms over his chest, looking only at Clarke.

“How do you we know we can trust Natalia any more than Lexa?”

“ Listen, Clarke, we’re not talking about this tonight. You need rest. Thanks to Wick and Monty we now have something similar to showers. The water is cold from the lake, but...if you wanted to wash up, you can.” Abby interjected. She placed her hands on either side of Clarke’s face and Clarke felt herself cringe away on instinct. She couldn’t breathe. This was all too much. “You can share my room-”

“Mom. It’s okay. I can stay with someone else.” Clarke said quietly. Abby’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I love you. Okay? I’m glad to be here and see you, but...I need some space. This is a lot to take in after being away for so long. I’m sure it’s a lot for the others too.” Clarke’s mind turned to Jasper. His expression had been cold upon sighting her earlier.

“Well, Raven or Octavia then? You could stay with one of them.” Abby responded with a frown.

“I don’t think Octavia would be too keen on that. And Raven shares with Wick. I can just set up a tent or something outside the Ark. It’s not a problem. I don’t mind.”

“No, no. Clarke you’re staying in here. You can stay with whoever you want. But, I think it would be best for you to stay in here.” Abby said. Something in the way she phrased it made Clarke wary. She  looked at her mother’s concerned expression and felt herself fold. If she was going to stay for the time being, here in the ark, she knew who she’d feel the most comfortable with.

* * *

Bellamy led Clarke down the metal hallways, twisting and turning until they stood outside the makeshift showers. After Abby finally relented and Bellamy agreed that she could stay in his room, he gathered some spare clothes for her and led her to the makeshift showers.

“You sure you don’t mind me staying with you?” Clarke asked. It was a lot to ask and she didn’t want to intrude.

“It’s fine with me. I don’t mind at all. I just want you to be comfortable. I’m glad you’re here.” Bellamy said, looking her over before gazing off to the side. “Alright, so, these are the showers. Not great yet, but better than nothing.”

He handed her a t-shirt and sweatpants. “Thanks.” Bellamy nodded and made to turn away.

“I’ll just wait in my room or something. I can get Raven to show you where it is after you’re done so you don’t have to wander around or anything…”

“Bellamy, wait.” Clarke said. Although she didn’t want to admit it, she was afraid. Afraid to be alone here, afraid to be around the others, afraid of everything catching up to her, here around all of her people. The people she had been willing to murder for. The people she had murdered for. “I’d rather have you wait. If you don’t mind.” Bellamy reached his hand out to her as though he was going to touch her arm, but instead he let it drop to his side.

“Okay. I’ll be right here.” He responded. “You hungry? I can get some food and I’ll be back in a few minutes. Take your time.” Before Clarke could answer, Bellamy was retreating, turning around a corner to go to the cafeteria. 

* * *

Bellamy barely even paid attention to his pathway. Next thing he knew, he was in the cafeteria, without any memory of walking there. He ate and then gathered some extra food, weaving in between people, and made his way back to the showers. Bellamy’s mind was going into overdrive. He had never felt happier to see someone in his life, but something else kept intruding. He’d spent months worrying about her, and now here she was, alive and healthy. She looked different though. Her skin was tanned, her hair was an even lighter shade of blonde, tangled and messy, and longer than before. She looked strong, but he could tell right away that she was still suffering. It was written all over her face; it was in every line and every scar, there to see for those who knew what to look for.

When he reached the showers, the water was still running, so he sank to the floor outside, calling out, “Clarke! I’m back.”

Clarke didn’t answer him.

“Clarke?” He set the food down and jumped to his feet. For a moment, he hesitated, then he walked into the showers, water hitting his already damp clothing. He could see her silhouette behind the tarps they had erected for privacy. He walked up to the curtain and paused just outside it, his heart pounding. “Clarke?”

“I’m here! I’m fine. I’m sorry.” Clarke responded. Her voice was thick with tears.

“Hey.” Bellamy said quietly, “you’re okay. It’s okay.” He didn’t know what else to say, so rather than returning to the hall, he stood in the misty sprays of water just outside the curtain. He let her cry, long and hard, trying to reassure her with his presence. He could hear the keens and hiccups in her tears, each one clawing at his heart. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Thank...you.” Clarke gasped. When she was finished, Bellamy handed her a towel, careful to keep his eyes averted. She shut off the stream of water and he handed her the clothes he had brought. When she was clean and dressed she finally emerged from behind the curtain. Bellamy’s eyes raked over her face. Sometimes he forgot how young she was. Only 18 and carrying the weight of their world.

Once they were in Bellamy’s room, they settled down and Clarke began to eat. Bellamy sat in the floor, his back to the wall, with Clarke sitting across from him, mirroring his figure. Neither of them said anything for a long time. Finally Clarke spoke.

“You should get out of those wet clothes. You’re going to get sick.” She said, chewing on her bottom lip.

“You’re worse than your mom.” He muttered. “I’ll change in a minute.”

“Sorry. It’s just habit.” Clarke said, shaking her head and looking at the ground. Bellamy stood and pulled his wet shirt over his head. Clarke flushed slightly, looking away. “I’ll close my eyes.”

"Nothing you haven't seen before, Clarke." Bellamy peeled away his wet clothes and slipped on some dry pants, leaving his shirt off. Clarke sat in front of him, eyes closed, and he waited before telling her he was dressed. She looked so peaceful there with her eyes closed, her dark eyelashes grazing her cheeks. Something about it made Bellamy feel like he’d glimpsed something sacred and personal, like he’d seen some part of her he shouldn’t have.

* * *

 

The day turned into a massive blur of color and motion. Clarke's return spread throughout the camp. The delinquents each took their own approach, Monty rushing to hug Clarke tightly. Jasper never showed up, but Raven limped towards her with a smile, Wick at her side. Octavia was another absent figure and one that seared Clarke's heart. While all the others moved and rustled past, nothing but a pack of wizards, Bellamy forced himself to continue working. He laid out plans for the camp that Wick had sketched and pondered the various shapes, deciding what needed to be moved and what additions needed to be made. Finally, that night, Bellamy made his way to his room, Clarke already standing outside the door, waiting for him.

After some half-hearted arguing, Clarke agreed to sleep in Bellamy’s bed, and Bellamy would sleep on the floor. They laid in the darkness together, listening to one another’s breathing.

 

“I’m glad you’re here, Clarke. I’m glad you came back. Even if you’re not staying.” Bellamy said quietly.

“I’m glad to be back, even if it’s only for a little bit. I’m...sorry about earlier. In the showers.” Clarke said. Her voice quivered slightly, but he couldn’t see her expression in the dark.

“What’ve you been doing out there?” He asked her, hoping to steer her away from anything that made her uncomfortable. Neither of them were ready to discuss the past.

“Mainly working as a healer in grounder villages. I went as far as the sea. I went north. I just traveled. I didn’t want to stop.” She responded. “I just wanted to keep going. Stay busy.”

“Are you ready to stop?” Bellamy said, turning on his side and facing the bed. He could see the shape of Clarke’s body in the darkness.

“Honestly? I don’t know.” She whispered. “I don’t know anymore.”

“Everyone’s doing well. Jasper’s getting better. Monty has been incredible. They’re all doing well. They’re here because of you. They miss you Clarke.” Bellamy said roughly. _I miss you._ He wanted her to understand; it wasn’t her fault. They were making progress, getting better. They were beginning to recover, but they couldn’t do this without her.

“I doubt that.” Clarke muttered.

Suddenly, Bellamy felt a surge of irritation. She left them to take time away and he’d understood. But, she couldn’t keep running forever.  He’d been here, dealing with all of this on his own. Alone. They needed her. He needed her. Bellamy wanted her to be safe and happy. But, he wanted her to stay here with him, too. It left him feeling selfish and guilty and disgruntled. He didn't want to do this alone anymore.

“Don’t you understand, Clarke? You weren’t just a leader. We don’t have much anymore, but we have each other. We’ve all made mistakes and we’ve all done things that we’re not proud of. We did what we had to, to survive.”

“I'm so tired of hearing that. Maybe we don’t deserve to survive, Bellamy. Maybe I don’t.” Clarke said.

Bellamy stood and stepped across the small room, flipping on the lantern in the corner. “Don’t say that. Please, don’t say that.”

Clarke sat up, her eyes boring into his. Both their hearts pounded in frustration, unable to articulate the pain in their hearts and unable to get rid of it. The tension between them mounted, though neither of them spoke a word.  

A knock sounded on the door, startling them both. Bellamy broke eye contact and turned to open the door. It was Echo. She stepped past him into the room, stopping short when she caught sight of Clarke sitting in Bellamy’s bed.

“Oh. I didn’t realize you had company.” Echo said, grinning.

Bellamy’s cheeks reddened beneath his freckles, but his voice was steady. “Echo, this is Clarke. Clarke Griffin. Clarke, this is Echo of the Ice Nation.”

Clarke stood awkwardly from the bed and thrust out her hand for Echo to shake. Echo looked down at it, pondering, then grasped it. “ai laik klark gon skai kru. hei echo gon az kru.” Clarke said, maintaining eye contact with Echo. Bellamy raised his eyebrows at the exchange. Echo’s smile widened.

“It’s good to meet you Clarke. We are in your debt for bringing down the mountain. You saved my life. You saved my people’s lives.” She said, nodding in thanks. Although Clarke disagreed on some points, she merely nodded in return, and pulled her hand away from Echo’s. It dropped to her side stiffly. “I hope to see you when we meet with your leaders Clarke. I think it would be beneficial to your people for you to be there. You’re an experienced warrior. You know how to make hard decisions.”

Clarke nodded again, but this time, she seemed more than uncomfortable. Bellamy could tell from her stance that something was wrong. Once Echo had left and they had both settled down again, Clarke finally spoke.

“So is that your girlfriend or what?” She was smirking, playfully.

Bellamy chuckled and shook his head. “No, not really. We were in the mountain together. She helped me with...getting out of there. She’s been through a lot. She’s strong though. Reminds me of you a little bit.”

“Hrmpf.” Clarke puffed.

“You’d better get some sleep. We’ve got a long few days ahead of us. If you plan on staying, that is.” Bellamy said, giving her a determined look.

Clarke raised an eyebrow by way of response and flipped the light out.

“Hey, Clarke? Where’d you learn to speak Grounder?”

“Grounders.” She said, shortly. They fell into silence and finally, after much adjusting on the ground, Bellamy drifted off to sleep.


	6. Damage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Bellamy suffer a confrontation when Bellamy wakes from a nightmare.

Bellamy tossed and turned restlessly, his body aching from the hard floor. Cold metal touched his shoulder and he found himself stumbling through a nightmare. He could feel the metal of the collar wrapped around his neck, yanking him backward. The powder stung his eyes. He was choking on the pill being shoved down his throat. No- he was joking on Lovejoy's blood as it filled his mouth, dripping down his chin into his hands, onto his clothes, until he was soaked in it...

“Bellamy! Bellamy!” A voice shouted.

He shot up from the floor, grabbing hold of the hands shaking him awake, panic in his heart. Only when he realized it was Clarke did he release her wrists. He slumped forward, breathing hard, his heart in his throat. She was kneeling beside him, watching his every move. She ducked her head down, lifting his chin with the tips of her fingers, her touch gentle, her hands warm. He looked up into her eyes, struggling to focus.

“Bellamy! Are you okay? You called out in your sleep.” Clarke asked, her brows furrowed in concern.

“I’m fine.” He panted. “Sorry.”

“What were you dreaming about?” Clarke asked him. They sat in the darkness, while Bellamy caught his breath, debating on how much to tell her.

“It was…” He stopped. He would not be the one to crush her in guilt. He would not put this burden on her. “Nothing. It was nothing.”

Clarke looked unconvinced, sitting back on her feet. Bellamy’s chest was slick with sweat. “Were you dreaming about what happened in Mount Weather?” Clarke asked, her voice barely above a whisper. Clarke was the only person he had spoken to about what happened to him in the mountain. He’d told her on the long walk back home, months ago, but he didn’t respond to her now. “I dream about it too sometimes.” He could tell by her expression that she was sinking into a pool of guilt again.

Bellamy stood feeling sick, pacing the room before leaning his back against the wall and crossing his arms. “Why’d you come back if you don’t want to stay? You could’ve sent someone else. You could’ve just let things unfold. But, you came back, so why?”

“Do we have to do this right now?” Clarke asked, pleading. But instead of relenting, Bellamy pushed harder, aching. She left him. He understood why, but it still hurt. “I had to leave. You know that. So much happened. I didn’t know how to process it. No one wanted me here-”

“What about me?”  Bellamy asked, his voice raising slightly. He tried to keep the resentment from his voice. He was supposed to be happy that she was back. He’d  thought of her return daily for months. He just never expected her to come back only to leave again. Clarke had always been so strong, so sure. Bellamy hated seeing her fragmented, almost unrecognizable. It left him broken. “I asked you to stay.”

Up until those words his eyes had bored into hers, but now he looked away. Something inside him he had been fighting against was threatening to come out and he was struggling against it desperately. “Clarke, I told you that we could bear this burden together. I told you- you’re forgiven. When you told me that in the woods that day, I stayed. I hated myself for the things I did to keep Octavia and I safe and yet, when you asked me to stay- I stayed. Every time you asked, I stayed.”

“Bellamy-” Clarke started, her eyes swimming in tears.

“The Clarke I knew would’ve stayed. You’re stronger than that. You gave up  and you left. We’re supposed to work together. You weren’t alone. You chose to walk away.” Bellamy was breathing heavily. It was too much. He’d said too much.

“Bellamy, I tried. I tried. But, as soon as we hit the gates I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t look at them every day and see all the grief and hurt. Lexa betrayed us and I let her. I killed Finn for nothing. I forged the alliance, putting all of us in danger for nothing. I trusted the wrong person. I put you in harm’s way even though every second you were gone...every second…” She blinked rapidly to keep her tears at bay. Clarke took a step towards Bellamy. “I was terrified that you were going to be caught or get hurt. When I saw you in the tunnels…” Clarke couldn’t continue. She closed her eyes and turned away from Bellamy. They were too fucking young for this. He suddenly felt drained by it all.

“I need air.” Bellamy said abruptly. He yanked a t-shirt down over his head and made for the gate. As soon as he was there, he bent over, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. The last time he’d stood here, he thought that was the worst he could feel. He’d been wrong. This was the worst he’d felt. They were going to lose Clarke all over again.

* * *

Clarke held her face in her hands, crying as she leaned against the closed door. Bellamy had never shown any doubt in her and now it felt as though he would never trust her again. He had spent his whole life caring for his sister, devoting his life to her. He had been willing to do anything for her and soon enough he became the whole camp's big brother. He kept them alive. Bellamy’s words hurt far worse than any physical wounds she had sustained in the past few months. His support had been adamant. Bellamy and Clarke went from adversaries to partners. He’d given her the space and support she needed and she had abandoned him, she had abandoned all of them. Her reasons and feelings were valid, but so were theirs. In trying to protect them all, it seemed that she had only caused more damage. How was it possible that she could still hurt her loved ones even when she was gone?

**  
** Clarke inhaled deeply and closed her eyes. As much as it hurt, Bellamy was right.  She knew that leaving would hurt her own heart, but she had underestimated the amount of damage she’d done to the people she left behind. Unable to sleep, she decided to go somewhere and sketch. She hadn’t done so in a long time and felt a surge of longing for the peace that came with touching her charcoal to a sheet of rough paper. **  
**


	7. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally confronts Octavia, asking her forgiveness, while Bellamy struggles to decide where he stands with Clarke.

Clarke let her hands drift over the rough sheet of paper. Something in the bumps and wrinkles of its texture brought her peace. She held the charcoal over the paper, hovering, unsure what to draw. Images of Finn drift through her head making her heart ache. Thoughts of a beautiful grounder woman have her hands flitting across the paper, but she cannot bring herself to draw her. Instead she closed her eyes and attempted to calm the turmoil in her heart. The she began to draw the only thing she could think of.

The planes of his cheeks danced across the paper. His curls dipped onto his forehead where his brows furrowed in distress. Clarke dotted his freckles across his nose, leaving a scar above his upper lip, wondering where it came from. His eyes stared at her from the page, dark, questioning, hurt. The image blurred as tears filled her eyes, falling down her cheeks silently, leaving splotches of emotion to soak into the paper.

“You okay, Clarke?” A deep voice asked. Clarke jumped and turned, quickly wiping away her tears.

“Lincoln!” Clarke exclaimed, leaping up. Without a thought she wrapped her arms around his neck. He hesitated before returning her hug and it was more welcoming than Clarke felt she deserved. They separated and Lincoln gave her a small smile.

“Drawing?” He asked, sitting down and pulling out a small leather bound book. He paged through it, letting it fall to a half finished sketch of Octavia. Her braids cascaded down her back and he captured her smirk perfectly. Clarke nodded in answer.

“It’s beautiful.” Clarke said, nodding towards the sketch.

“She’s beautiful.” Lincoln responded simply.

“How’s she doing?” Clarke asked, shifting her weight, a lump in her throat.

“She’s okay. Not as okay as she’d like everyone to think. But, she’s okay. She’s strong.” Clarke nodded again, feeling awkward. “I think she’d love to see you as much as you’d love to see her.”

“I don’t think so. I don’t think Octavia ever wants to see me again.” Clarke said quietly. “I don’t blame her. I let her down. I let all of you down.”

“Clarke, what’s in the past is in the past.” Lincoln said gently, his dark eyes soft. “You made decisions that no one else could have. They weren’t easy. And they weren’t always the best, but you got us here. Alive. You did what you set out to do. Your decisions will follow you. Just like everyone else’s. Just like mine. I left Bellamy in those tunnels because I couldn’t fight my own demons.”

“But, you turned it around. You came back and you got back up. We wouldn’t have even been able to get to Bellamy in the mountain if you hadn’t shot that arrow at the lock mechanism.” Clarke argued.

“And you came back too, Clarke.” Lincoln cut across her. “You came back here. It took you a long time, but here you are, getting a second chance.You’re a part of this family. You’re their leader. You’re my leader now. You did a big thing and it hurts like hell. But, you get up and you keep fighting.  Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. And your people are stronger too. And more forgiving.” Lincoln gave her a knowing look. Then he turned to his paper in a final sort of way. Clarke let his words sink in. Then she took off, racing the rising sun.

* * *

Clarke reached Octavia’s tent quickly, but hesitated outside the door. “Octavia?” She spoke into the silence. Octavia flipped the tent flap back, her eyes narrowing at the sight of Clarke. Facing her, Clarke suddenly didn’t know what to say. Her heart felt like it was cracking open, spilling everything she had felt in the past year onto the ground at Octavia’s feet.

“What do you want?” Octavia asked coldly.

“I want to talk to you.” Clarke responded, keeping her head high, like she had seen her father do when confronting someone.

“I don’t have anything to say to you.” Octavia responded. But, she didn’t walk away. Instead she stood her ground, glaring at Clarke. Clarke didn’t back away either.

“You don’t have to say anything then. You can just listen for now...I made a lot of mistakes on our journey to safety. I trusted someone who didn’t care about us. We were not Lexa’s priority. I let her hold too much power over me and I did things that I would never have done before…” Clarke felt a lump rising in her throat. She swallowed it down. “Before Finn’s death. I know it’s no excuse for what happened. I was so determined to keep us safe that I let my own fear of losing everyone rule me.”

“Bullshit. You let Lexa rule you.” Octavia said, brusquely. “You followed her around like a love sick puppy. You let her make decisions for you. You trusted her despite everything she had done in the past instead of trusting your own people. You dragged my brother’s heart around in the mud and then you sent him on a mission you thought was doomed anyways. You let a fucking bomb drop on a city full of your own family. And then she left you. And then you. Left. Us.”

“I left because I didn’t want to see you hurt anymore. I was afraid. I didn’t think I could deal with everything and still be here. I’m so sorry, Octavia-” Clarke began.

“But, you know what?” Octavia growled, ignoring Clarke’s words. “ You’d been long gone way before you actually left us. When you killed Finn, you checked out. You left us ages ago, Clarke. That’s what hurt. I understand your need to grieve. I get that. We all needed to grieve. But, you didn’t even try to grieve with the people who would have understood and supported you. You pushed all of us away. Including Bellamy. Do you know what he’s done since you left? He’s struggled to keep all of us up and alive. He buried the dead. He built up what we had. He kept going. And although he would never admit it, I know he really wished you’d been here to help.”

“I never meant to hurt him, Octavia. I never meant to hurt any of you. I never meant to leave any of you in this mess. But, I did. I abandoned you out of hurt and fear.” Clarke replied. “I should’ve done more. I should’ve been better. For all of you.”

“And for you. You should’ve done better for you. Of all people to leave yourself vulnerable to, you left yourself in Lexa’s hands, when the rest of us were right here to catch you.” Octavia looked like she was going to cry. Clarke wanted to hug her, but she didn’t want to push her.

“I’m going to be better, okay? I’m going to stick around. It’s not going to be easy and I know it will take a long time for all of you to trust me again, but I want to earn that. Chances are, I may make some shitty decisions in the future, but...I’ll make them with you. With my people. I don’t think I’m leader material right now, but I’m trying. I’m going to keep trying. You all deserve that.” Clarke said, her voice cracking.

“You deserve it too, Clarke.” Octavia replied with a sad nod. Then she walked past Clarke into the crisp morning air. It wasn’t quite a friendship again, but they were getting somewhere.

* * *

Bellamy rubbed at his face, squeezing his eyes shut. That could not have gone worse, he thought. Bellamy had been thinking about Clarke’s return for months on end. In his head, it had been a happy moment. However, upon seeing her after all this time, he instead felt rage and cold resentment. She’d left him to shoulder this burden on his own. She was here, but she wasn’t really here at all. Clarke wasn’t the same woman any more than he was the same man. They had both changed, and Bellamy was having a difficult time acclimating to it. They had always been leaders together. In their greatest time of need, she had abandoned them. Clarke had abandoned Bellamy and here she was again and he had no idea what to do. He wanted to forgive her and move forward. The idea of her hurting made him sick to his stomach, but he knew he couldn’t go through this all again. None of them could. It would be too much, to let himself trust her only to be let down again.

“Nervous for today?” Bellamy turned to see Raven making her way towards him. Bellamy shook his head.

“Not really.” It was a lie, of course. The fate of his people was hanging in the balance yet again. Each of the remaining kids looked to him for guidance and support and he couldn’t seem to do anything to alleviate their pain or worry. He couldn’t do anything to help them anymore. If it were entirely his choice, he would take them all somewhere safe far away, to some place where nothing and no one could stop them from living. They were all kids. They deserved to be kids. They deserved to be happy. All of them.

“Does this have to do with Clarke?” Raven asked gently.

Bellamy’s brows furrowed. “Clarke can do what she wants. This thing has nothing to do with her anymore.”

“Look, you can sleep with other girls all you want, but it’s pretty clear that Clarke's the most important woman in your life.” Raven said with a smirk.

“The most annoying, you mean.” Bellamy muttered, turning away. He looked out at the camp, watching people stream from the various openings in the ship and the tents, yawning and stretching. The sun beat down on them as it rose above the trees, dancing across the lake, reaching out to touch them. “And I’m not sleeping with other women. I slept with Echo. Once. Not that it’s anyone’s business except mine.” He rolled his eyes, feeling uncomfortable with how personal this was becoming.

“Bellamy, what do you want? You can’t just walk around treating everybody like shit. You’re mad. I get it. You have every reason to be! But, this is Clarke, okay? Our Clarke.” Raven said firmly. “So, what do you want, Bellamy?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know what I want! I want her to stay. I want her to be happy. For fuck’s sake, I just want her to- I want her to pick up the pieces and dust herself off and be _with_ us. She thinks she can just walk away and make everything go away and she can’t. None of us can! It happened. Mount Weather happened and the only way to move forward is to accept that and realize that what we did...we did together.”

“Have you talked to Clarke about this?” Raven asked.

“Have you?” Bellamy retorted.

“No.” Raven said with a sigh. “But I intend to. She’s one of my closest friends. We’ve been through a lot together and I have a lot of respect for her. She’s been alone for months, carrying the guilt of what we’ve done. We’ve all had each other! Think of how that must have felt.”

“She’s not the only one who carried guilt alone. Clarke’s not the only person hurting.”

“Clarke’s pretty amazing, but she’s not psychic. She doesn’t know what you’re feeling, asshole.” Raven said, shaking her head. “Tell her. While you can.”

Bellamy grimaced and clenched his jaw, but Raven’s words settled into his gut like lead. It seemed that more than one important decision would be made today.


	8. Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old adversary returns to camp. Bellamy and Clarke finally confront one another.

Bellamy cradled his gun, his heart thumping steadily. He’d sat in on the meeting between Echo, Abby, Kane and a few others, listening as they considered the prospect of another alliance, offering his opinion when asked. In the end, they had decided to move forward with the alliance cautiously, agreeing to converse with Natalia, leader of the Ice Nation, and a few of her most trusted companions. Echo finally left. Some of the kids told her goodbye, having grown fond of her over the past few weeks, thanking her for teaching them things during her stay. Before she left, she embraced Bellamy.

“Thank you, Bellamy.” She’d said warmly. Then she walked away, traveling homeward, with the hopes of an entire community on her back. It had been nearly a week since she’d left and they had been expecting Natalia any day now. Unable to converse over such long distances, they knew they could expect her within the next 2 weeks, but nothing more.

Clarke began sharing a room with her mother. Bellamy could see the happiness and relief wash over Abby when Clarke asked her about it. His heart swam through a sea of emotions, riding on waves of resentment, followed by a rush of regret, ending in an upsurge of melancholy. Despite Clarke’s attempts at conversation, Bellamy had neglected to find a way to be open with her, used to suppressing the parts of himself that he felt revealed weakness. After Clarke told him she was moving rooms, he laid on the bed on his stomach. The ache in his heart felt like a deep bruise, constant, but dull. The longer he waited to talk to her, the worse he felt. Every time he pushed her away and she retreated he felt anger at himself for pushing and anger at Clarke for relenting. Everything felt tangled and messy. He’d wanted to do what he always did: approach an issue head on and solve it immediately. However, the moment he came close to her, he clammed up.

Now he stood alone outside, beating himself up over and over again for his inability to put his frustration into words. Clarke had ceased attempting to speak to him about anything other than surface matters, even though he could see the hurt in her eyes. Every night, he laid awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore the dolefulness in his gut. Clarke appeared to be staying for now, so that was something.

Just as he was considering switching off with Miller and getting dinner he sensed movement in the trees. Bellamy slowly brought his gun up to eye level and peered through the scope. Dark shapes were shifting through the darkness, torches lighting up the dark trunks of the trees.

“Someone's coming!” Bellamy shouted to the other guards, pointing out into the woods. “Could be ice nation, could be someone else.”

“BELLAMY!” Octavia shouted. She was sprinting towards him from the side gate. The gates closed quickly behind her. “It’s not ice nation! It’s not Natalia! Don’t open the gates!”

Bellamy’s brows furrowed and his hands tightened on his gun. Familiar muscles began to flex within his body, his arms prepared to push, his legs prepared to run, his finger ready to squeeze the trigger. “What did you see?”

“Lincoln and I saw them coming from the west lookout. It’s grounders. But, local ones. And I think Lexa is at their lead.” Octavia said lowly to him. Her jaw clenched and Bellamy felt his own mirror hers as he braced himself.

“I need to go and tell Kane and Miller’s dad, okay?” He said quickly. “Keep the gates shut, go down the line and double the guards. Tighten the defenses. Don’t let her in.”

“Bitch isn’t getting past me.” Octavia said, raising her chin and sliding her sword from the sheath on her back. Bellamy nodded in answer and ran towards the Ark.

* * *

Clarke slowly folded her second set of clothes, freshly washed, and put them on the small crate next to her cot. She looked around her mother’s room, feeling out of place. Something inside her felt wrong. It was like a puckered wound, healing, but sore. While she had been able to speak with Raven, Monty, Jasper... some more accepting than others, she still hadn’t spoken to Bellamy. Every time they breached the subject, Bellamy shut himself away and drifted to another place entirely. She hadn’t been able to sleep since leaving his room. In the short time that she had stayed there she found that his steady breaths soothed her at night, his scent calmed her, instilled in the blankets she wrapped herself in. Something about Bellamy felt safe and secure. Clarke didn’t quite understand it yet, but she wanted to. She wanted to speak with Bellamy and make things right. Of all the people she had anticipated seeing again, she had worried about Bellamy the least. He was strong, confident, and understanding. She was sure that out of everyone, he would be the one to forgive her most easily. But, it felt like he would never forgive her. It was the blow that hurt the most, but Octavia suggested that Clarke allow him some space, so that’s what she did.

Just as Clarke walked out of her room, she heard shouts and loud sounds coming from outside. People ran past her towards the exits, eager to discover what was happening outside. Monty sailed past her and she grabbed his arm, pulling him to the side.

“What’s going on out there?” She asked, her eyes searching his troubled expression.

“I’m not 100% sure. Wick said he saw a large group of Grounders on the monitors in engineering, but we’re not sure what kind...” He stopped and Clarke could tell he was hiding something.

“Monty, what aren’t you telling me?” She asked firmly.

“Clarke, they don’t think it’s Natalia yet. They think it might be...Well, it might be-”

“Lexa.” Clarke finished his sentence for him and set off at a run.

* * *

Bellamy was only slightly out of breath when he made it to the gates, Kane and Abby in tow. Abby grabbed his arm and turned him around to face her. “Bellamy, listen to me. Let Kane and I handle this.”

Bellamy narrowed his eyes, looking at Abby with something like anger or disgust, but she couldn’t tell which. “Abby, I’m not just going to stand back and let something bad unfold here. These kids look to me to take care of them. I promised to keep them safe, so I’ll do what I have to to ensure that.”

Abby didn’t look surprised at his response. She sighed and let go of his arm before moving to stand next to Kane. Before she reached him, she turned and asked “Have you seen Clarke?”

“No. I haven’t.” Bellamy responded stiffly. He turned to look at the crowd that had gathered behind him, but he didn’t see her blonde hair. It was probably best that she wasn’t at the forefront. She wasn’t an official leader anymore, and the sight of the person that had so deeply betrayed her wouldn’t be a welcome one.

Bellamy could hear Kane and Abby speaking to someone outside the gate. And then he saw her: Lexa moved to the front of the group of Grounders on the back of a dark horse, speaking loudly enough that Bellamy could hear her words. He moved forward, eyes boring into her figure. Anger started to boil beneath his skin, his hands clenching into fists at his side.

“Hello, Chancellor Griffin, Marcus. We meet again. I appreciate your not taking any violent action towards us before hearing what we have to say.” Lexa said.

“It’s not because we didn’t want to.” Bellamy growled from behind Abby. She turned to him, her eyes silently communicating her desire for him to stand down.

Lexa’s eyes fell on him. “Bellamy Blake.” She said, her lips twisting into an odd grimace he didn’t feel he deserved. Although he didn’t like Lexa, he didn’t think he deserved any disdainful glances from her, but something in her gaze was sour. “I hoped that there would be a possibility of reconciliation now that the war has ended. You have proved that you are a strong and resourceful group of people, and a valuable ally.”

“Well, Lexa, I think you’ll understand that we can’t say the same for you. You abandoned us in our time of need.” Kane said in his diplomatic voice. “I don’t know what you intend to achieve by coming here, but I can assure you that whatever it is you want from us, it won’t come easily.”

“You didn’t think you could just walk in here and behave as though nothing happened, did you?” Abby said crossing her arms. “Our alliance dissolved the moment you left all of us to die at the hands of the mountain men. You disregarded our truce completely…”

“I have warriors surrounding your camp, Chancellor. So, I think it would be in your best interest to hear what I have to say.” Lexa said smirking. Already she was trying to assume control over the situation.

Bellamy’s jaw clenched as he struggled to remain calm. Lexa shouldn’t even be here. _She has no right to come here_ , Bellamy thought. He wished the Ice Nation would come crashing through the trees and wipe them out then and there. Bellamy sensed movement behind him and turned slightly. Clarke stood close behind him, her face blank, her mouth set. He had never seen her look that way before; it was hard to describe the emotions flitting across her face. For a moment, his resentment lessened and he felt the urge to reach out to her. Her eyes drifted towards him and something passed between them that made him hurt a little less. Just as he turned away he heard Lexa’s next words.

“This is my second and my military advisor, now. He’s proved to be very useful and has earned a position within our clan.” She said, her hand sweeping back to motion a man forward. Everything seemed to slow down suddenly. At the sight of his face, Bellamy felt a rage that surpassed anything that he had felt until that moment. His heartbeat pounded in his ears blocking everything out except the sound of his own suddenly labored breathing. Without making the conscious decision to do so, Bellamy was moving forward.

“Bellamy!” Clarke yelled, noticing the change in his demeanor. Then her eyes fell on the man as well; it was Emerson. Bellamy was making his way towards him and Clarke didn’t move to stop him. She knew who would come out of this.

Before Kane and Abby could block him, Bellamy had reached Emerson. Without a word, he swung back his arm and landed a punch on Emerson’s jaw, knocking him backward. Emerson’s eyes lit up in recognition as he wiped at the trail of blood sliding down his chin. Before he could respond, Bellamy landed another punch, this one throwing Emerson onto the ground. One of Lexa’s guards leapt off of his horse, but Octavia was one step ahead as she sprang forward and swung her arm around him, pressing her blade into his throat. “Nobody touch him!” She shouted. Lincoln had the other guard in his grasp. Everyone stopped, unsure what to do.

Bellamy threw himself on top of Emerson, every punch filled with all the hatred and sorrow that screamed inside his body. He grunted as Emerson punched him in the stomach. Bellamy’s ears rang as his opponent’s fist made contact with his temple, but he didn’t cease his attack. Blood ran from Emerson’s face, pooling beneath him. Bellamy roared, feeling bone and flesh give way to his fists, each blow fueled by the loss of so many at Emerson’s hands. Bellamy felt someone grab him around his chest and abdomen, trying to pull him away. He struggled fiercely until he realized it was Kane and Wick. He tried to find his footing as every sound assaulted his ears in full force. He heard shouts, but he didn’t try to make out what they were saying. Bellamy let them drag him away, unseen tears mixing with the blood and dirt on his face.

* * *

Bellamy paced the floor in his room, his anger finally fizzled out, leaving him exhausted. A bruise was swelling on the underside of his jaw and the cuts on his lip and eyebrow were beginning to smart. His head felt like it would split in two. Wick and Kane left him alone almost immediately once he’d promised not to come outside while Kane attempted to smooth things over. Before Wick left the room he turned back to Bellamy and said, “Nice one back there,” Then he shut the door, leaving Bellamy in silence.

He’d only been alone for a few minutes before a knock sounded on his door. He didn’t bother looking around, assuming it was one of the 44 or perhaps one of the adults coming to chide him for his rash actions. He heard the click as the door shut and someone sighed. Bellamy finally turned to see Clarke leaning against the closed door.

“That was really stupid, you know. She could’ve killed you.” Clarke said, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I don’t care.” Bellamy said. Everything seemed to be crashing down on him, crushing him; guilt, resentment, sadness...it all swirled around inside him and being alone with Clarke was the weight that would break him. He could feel it happening already and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Well, I do, Bellamy. You should let me look at those cuts.” Clarke said, pushing away from the door and walking towards him.

“I’m fine. I don’t need  your help.” He responded, still not looking at her. “I’ve been handling things just fine without it.”

Clarke nodded, looking at the floor. “That’s true. You really have. You’ve done an amazing job here. But, a couple of those cuts may need stitches and I’m pretty sure you can’t handle those on your own.”

Bellamy finally looked at her. Clarke felt the sudden urge to move closer, much like the one she felt when he turned and looked at her in the crowd, like he could make her forget all the pain if only she would let him. She dropped her bag on the floor, pulling out medical supplies and laying them on his bed. The last thing was a bottle of Monty’s moonshine and she held it out to Bellamy. He looked at her then took the bottle and tipped it up. It cascaded down his throat and burned it’s way through his chest.

“I’m not leaving until you let me look at your cuts, so you may as well sit down.” Clarke said.

“Why are you doing this? You’ve barely spoken to me since you moved into your mom’s room. “ Bellamy said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Clarke didn’t look up, intent on threading some wire through a sharp needle. “Because I care about you. And I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve been trying to give you some space.”

Bellamy licked his lips and pushed his curls back from his face. He sat down on the bed, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands dangling, bruised and bloodied. Clarke dragged a crate over to rest in front of him then she sat down and dampened a cloth with moonshine. She avoided his gaze, concentrating on cleaning his knuckles. He couldn’t help but watch her. He hadn’t been this close to her since the night she got back. Clarke’s brow was furrowed in concentration and she was pursing her lips. Bellamy winced as his skin burned beneath her touch. He wondered if they would ever be able to touch one another without leaving a mark.

Clarke began dabbing at the cuts on his face, her fingertips brushing his lips for the smallest of moments. “I need to put stitches through the one above your eyebrow.” Bellamy just nodded. Clarke carefully stitched the skin together, threads weaving in and out of him, poking and pulling and tugging. When she was finished she covered it with a bandage and began packing everything away. The air felt thick with words unsaid and Bellamy couldn’t seem to cut his way through the fog. He didn’t know how to say what he needed to say to her. Before he could figure it out, Clarke spoke first.

“So, do you think you could ever forgive me?” she asked suddenly. She trained her eyes on her hands as she washed them. Her back was turned, but Bellamy could hear the stress in her voice.

“Clarke…” Bellamy began, her name a sigh on his lips. All the fight seemed to have evaporated from his spirit, leaving him feeling drained and raw. “I told you: you’re forgiven. I meant that.”

“I meant about leaving.” She said, her back still turned to him though her hands had stilled.

Bellamy closed his eyes, fighting with himself. Finally he gave in. “Clarke, I’m not mad at you for leaving after everything that happened. I was disappointed.” He was surprised at how true the words were. He wasn’t mad.

“Bellamy-” Clarke started, finally turning to look at him.

“I don’t want you to apologize.” Bellamy said, stopping her from uttering the words. “But I do need to know what you plan to do.”

Clarke’s brow furrowed as she walked towards him and settled on the bed. They were seated mere inches apart, but it felt like miles. “What do you mean?”

“I need to know if you’re staying.” Bellamy said, turning to look at her. His warm brown eyes penetrated her crystalline blue ones. “I can’t settle back into working with you if you’re just going to leave at any point. And I can’t have our friends thinking you’re back to stay if you’re not. You can’t do that to them.”

Clarke nodded and dropped her gaze to the ground. She took a deep breath. “Bellamy, do you want me to stay?” She asked in earnest. Her heart pounded as she waited for his answer.

“I never wanted you to leave.” He said, simply. Clarke looked up at him, her eyes swimming in tears. He looked more vulnerable than ever. It reminded her of his expression when he’d spoken of his mother.

“I’m sorry that I left you to shoulder this on your own. Walking up to these gates…” Clarke’s eyes blurred as she lost focus, her mind in the past. “Crossing the threshold felt impossible. Facing everyone after committing genocide to save them? That felt even worse. I don’t regret stepping away. I needed to search for some missing pieces of myself. As dumb as that sounds,” She laughed, but it was hollow. Her eyes closed and a tear escaped from beneath her eyelashes. Before it could skate down the soft curve of her cheek, she wiped it away.

When Clarke met Bellamy’s eyes, she saw something there that made her want to reach out to him. Her fingers twitched, but she resisted, keeping them in her lap. “I regret hurting you though...all of you.” She didn’t know what else to say.

“What happened back then, it’s in the past. We can’t go back and undo it. I just never thought you’d run away from a fight. It went against everything you’ve ever taught me about being a leader. You never left our people. You were always there, pushing forward no matter what the circumstances were.” Bellamy said. Unleashing the words lifted a weight from his chest. He could suddenly breathe a little easier. “Then suddenly you were gone.” Bellamy looked down at his bruised and cracked hands. How was it that every physical wound he’d suffered hurt less than the prospect of Clarke leaving again? He told himself it was because she was his friend. It was because he cared about her and wanted her to be safe and happy.

“I’m here now.” Clarke said gently. She was afraid to touch him, terrified of hurting him. If she kept him at arm’s distance like everyone else she couldn’t damage him anymore. But, she knew she was lying to herself. Her absence had hurt him more than anything. She took a deep breath and closed the small gap between them, leaning her head against his shoulder. At first, Bellamy stiffened at her touch, then he relaxed and looked down at the top of her head. Her golden, tangled waves felt about her shoulders and tickled the skin on his arm. “I’m not going anywhere.”

As soon as she spoke the words, she knew she was making the right decision. Not just for her people, for Bellamy, but for herself. It felt right. It felt good. It felt safe. Bellamy exhaled at her words, waves of relief crashing over him, overwhelming every other feeling in his body. Clarke was staying. Clarke was finally home. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and dropped his cheek to the top of her head. “Welcome back, princess.” She smiled at the nickname and her eyes welled with tears again. Hearing Finn’s words didn’t hurt anymore. Somehow, hearing them spill from Bellamy’s mouth, his deep voice wrapping her in warmth, made her forget anyone else had ever spoken them.

 ****  
  
  
  
  



	9. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke comes up with a plan that could save all of their lives while everyone anxiously awaits news from the Ice Nation. Clarke and Bellamy argue and come to a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this is taking me forever to write! D: I haven't had a lot of free time lately. I'm very dedicated to the characters and a feeling of authenticity. I hope each chapter is the worth the wait. Thank you for sticking with me and continuing to read :) I really appreciate it.

“You’re lucky that we were able to smooth things over with Lexa. She could’ve had you killed, Bellamy. What the hell were you thinking?”

“Emerson is a murderer, okay? I’m not going to apologize for beating the shit out of him. He’s lucky that I didn’t kill him.” Bellamy said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Abby had summoned him to the council chambers early that morning to discuss what had happened  the night before. According to Kane, Emerson was in worse shape than Bellamy and Lexa was furious.

“Listen, I don’t care how much he’s done. I know what he’s capable of. I was in that mountain too. But, we can’t afford to give Lexa any reason to attack us. She’s unpredictable and ruthless. If we make one wrong move, she could wipe all of us out. We all hate what she did, Bellamy, and I don’t trust her anymore than you do. But, until Echo returns with Commander Natalia, we have no choice but to lay low and refrain from provoking her.” Abby took a deep breath, hands on her hips. “I don’t want to do this, but if you can’t control yourself, then you won’t be allowed out of the ark or anywhere near the gates.”

Bellamy’s brow furrowed, making the cut above his eyebrow crinkle and sting. “I can control myself perfectly fine.”

“That’s not what it looked like out there.” Abby said, her eyes hard.

“He was Cage’s right hand man. He’s practically a sadist! The only reason he’s able to stand out there is because of the blood of our people. That’s not his blood running through his veins! It’s Harper’s blood! It’s Fox’s blood.” Bellamy said passionately. An image of Fox’s bloodied, emaciated corpse flashed in his mind. Abby’s expression softened and she moved forward, placing her hand on his forearm gently.

“I know, Bellamy. I know that. It’s not easy for any of us. I know how badly this hurts, but for now, we have to behave complacently until we figure out what to do. We have to do what’s necessary to stay alive.”

Bellamy stepped away from her and her hand fell to her side. Abby had no idea what it took to survive out there. She had no idea what he felt.  “You don’t have to worry about me causing anymore problems.”

“Good.” Abby responded. When he reached the doorway to leave, he turned back to look at her.

“But, If I find him inside these gates, I won’t be able to keep my word.” Then he  left, letting the door swing shut behind him.

* * *

Clarke rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she made her way to Raven’s room. On the way, she passed Bellamy’s room. For a fleeting moment, almost unconsciously, she thought of walking through the door, climbing into bed with him, breathing him in. Clarke felt like she had to learn who he was all over again. They were different people than they were in the beginning. They were both scared and torn at the edges, but she wanted to know his scars, she wanted to mend his edges. Maybe then, she’d have a chance at mending her own.  Since that moment in their room when Clarke had stitched Bellamy back together, things felt different. Bellamy and Clarke had hovered on the edge of something more than friends for a long time, but they had never gone there, never acknowledged even the possibility.  

Clarke shook the thought from her head just as Raven popped her head around the doorway and looked down the hall. “Clarke!” She called. Clarke turned to look at her and smiled. Their friendship had taken some rocky turns, but Clarke loved Raven. She admired her strength and endurance. There were times when Clarke wasn’t sure she could go on, but when she looked at Raven, hope blossomed within her chest. Once inside Raven’s room, Clarke looked around and smiled again. There were bits of electronics lying around, mixed with wires, all atop a work table in the corner.  Raven sat on her bed loosening her brace to slip it from her leg. Then she shrugged off her jacket. Clarke couldn’t help but notice the muscle in her arms, earned from years as a mechanic. Raven patted the spot next to her on her bed.

Clarke sat down and raised her eyebrows. “So, what’d you need? My mom said you wanted me here early.”

“Yeah! Well, I have the morning off duty for now. Wick and Monty are taking care of some things in engineering and they don’t really need me...so I thought you and I could talk.” She said. Clarke swallowed in anticipation. Raven noticed her discomfort and laughed. “Clarke, relax. Everything’s okay. I just wanted to spend some time with you. And...talk to you about Bellamy.”

Clarke started at his name. “Bellamy? What about him?”

“Well, the two of you seemed kind of...pissed at each other for awhile there.” She said. “I just wanted to ask if you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.” Clarke responded, her gaze dropping to the ground. “We’re fine. I talked to him yesterday. We’re good.”

“He cares about you a lot, Clarke.” Raven said, gently, reaching out to touch Clarke’s hand. Raven wasn’t normally so gentle. Clarke looked up at her, unsure of what to say. “I know you care about him too.”

“How can I not, after what we’ve been through together?” Clarke answered, avoiding what she knew Raven was implying. “I care about all of you.”

“Clarke, I know you. You’re always putting everyone before yourself. You’ve always taken care of us all, no matter the cost. Even if it hurt you more than anyone.” Clarke’s eyes  filled with tears at Raven’s words, but she blinked them back, desperate to keep her emotions under control. “After Finn…” Raven continued. Clarke felt like her heart was going to explode from the pressure in her chest. She felt the desire to run away again, fleetingly. “I didn’t want to allow myself to keep moving forward. I felt like I couldn’t. Like moving on was a dishonor to him. I felt like I couldn’t let myself get close to anyone or feel happiness because, you know, what if it’s taken away? What if something bad happened? But, Clarke, when Wick and I got closer, I realized that we can’t live that way, constantly questioning ourselves and the future. Because that’s not living at all.”

Clarke couldn’t stop the tears from leaking out of the corners of her eyes. She quickly wiped them away and looked at Raven, her gaze steady. Only the gravel in her voice gave away her emotions.  “After everything I did, Raven, after all the people who are dead because of me, do I even deserve to be alive and happy? Why should I get to keep breathing when all of them are dead because of me?”

Raven moved closer, dragging her leg with her. She wrapped her arms around Clarke, resting her head against her shoulder. Clarke softened beneath her touch.

“We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of since coming to the ground. We did what we needed to, to protect ourselves and the people we love. All of the people that died in the war are proof that life is fleeting here on earth. Finn loved you, Clarke. And he wouldn’t have wanted you to stop living. We all love you, Clarke.  You deserve to be happy, rather you feel like it or not right now.”

Clarke shook her head, leaning into Raven’s embrace. “I don’t know what you want me to do, Raven.”

“I want you to try to forgive yourself and be happy. You’ve been working so hard to build and repair your relationships with everyone here. But you and Bellamy...you two are different. I’ve seen the way you look at each other. Stop punishing yourself. You don’t have to be alone anymore. Okay?”

Clarke looked at Raven, and her expression was so full of earnest kindness and concern that she couldn’t help but nod her head. She gave Raven’s arm a squeeze and held on tightly, savoring the contact.

* * *

Bellamy laid in bed, his thoughts drifting to Clarke once again. He’d spent the day aiding in building more shelters throughout the camp.  He wasn’t allowed outside the gates to hunt for safety reasons (which made him want to go out there all the more) and the need to distract himself was overwhelming. He tried to work the tension and stress from his body through manual labor, used to the stretching and aching that spread across his body, reminding him that he was still alive.

The cool air within the Ark made him sigh in relief. His body still ached from his fight with Emerson, a constant reminder of the man’s presence near camp, alongside Lexa, another unwelcome guest. Apparently, council members had gathered to debate their options, but Bellamy stayed away. All day, he  watched the perimeter of camp, waiting for some kind of retaliation for his behavior towards Lexa’s second, almost wishing it would happen so that he could stop brooding.  Lexa wasn’t going to wait much longer for the sky people to make their decision. Soon, she would move forward, but in what direction Bellamy wasn’t sure.

He rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling, a sliver of moonlight shining  through the small skylight above him. Most nights, there wasn’t much light, leaving Bellamy lying in impenetrable darkness, but tonight the soft light of the moon reached out and touched the bare walls around him. He tucked one arm beneath his head, the other resting on his bare stomach, as he struggled to relax and clear his mind.

Just as his eyes began to shut in exhaustion a knock on his door startled him awake. He slid off the bed, the floor cold against his bare feet, yanked on some pants, and opened the door. Clarke stood before him, looking small and fragile in the darkness. Bellamy’s brow furrowed in concern, surprised to see her standing outside his door so late at night.

“Clarke.” Bellamy breathed. His heart jumped, pounding out a painful desire he chose to ignore.

“Hey.” Clarke said softly. “Can I come in?”

Bellamy nodded and stepped back to allow her entrance. He shut the door behind him and turned to look at her, standing in the middle of his room. The dim moonlight bathed her in a silvery glow.  Bellamy tried not to look at the shape of her body beneath her thin t-shirt and fitted shorts. He was suddenly all too aware of his bare chest. Clarke looked smaller than normal, standing with bare feet, her thick blonde waves falling over one shoulder. Goosebumps raised on Clarke’s  arms when they met each other's eyes.

“You cold?” Bellamy asked. Without waiting for an answer he took one of the blankets from his bed and draped it around her shoulders, still warm with the heat from his body.

“Thank you.” Clarke said. “I’m always cold.” She laughed, but it was hollow.

“You okay? Did something happen?”  Bellamy asked, searching her face for signs of distress.

“No, I’m fine. I just couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“I wasn’t sleeping either. Too much to think about.” He responded.

“I know the feeling.” Clarke said. She smiled, but it was devoid of happiness and Bellamy felt something inside him crumble at her words. In the fragility of night he found it harder to stay solid and present. Instead, pieces of him seemed to be falling away like leaves. He could see Clarke unraveling in front of him.

“Hey...you’re okay. We’re okay.” Bellamy said, but his voice wasn’t as steady as it had always been before.

_Not all of us_. The truth hung in the air between them.

“Can I stay here? With you?” Clarke asked. The expression on her face made him wish that he’d met Clarke in a different world. One without radiation and war and death. He wanted everything to stop. He wanted to move forward and fall back all at the same time. She was so beautiful and smart and kind. She deserved so much better than this world seemed willing to give her.

“Yeah.” Bellamy responded, nodding towards the bed.  Clarke sat down, her toes skimming the floor. He knelt in front of her and gently took her face in his hands. In this small moment, he wanted nothing more than to lean forward and kiss her, not to make himself forget, but to help Clarke to forget.   _Not now. Not like this,_ he told himself. Looking at her right then, he knew that he would do anything she asked of him. He would give himself to Mount Weather all over again. He would march into war if she asked him to. He would gladly give everything up to see her smile again. He would do anything to make her laugh one more time…

Clarke’s eyes were downcast, but when she looked up they lingered on his lips for a moment too long.  “You’re okay.” He said again, gently brushing his thumb across her cheek. Clarke nodded into his hand and although he couldn’t see them, he felt her tears on his fingers. Bellamy’s chest tightened painfully. “You can stay here whenever you want.” A blonde curl fell across her cheek and he tenderly swept it away. Clarke placed her hand over his before laying back on the bed. Clarke looked up into Bellamy’s eyes and suddenly there he was balancing on the precipice. If he didn’t step back he would fall over the edge. He would drown in her. Looking down into her eyes, Bellamy wondered when Clarke became the person he wanted to drown in.

Clarke closed her eyes as Bellamy gently squeezed her hand. She breathed a tired sigh into the night. “I’ll be here if you need me.” He said.

“Same to you.” She responded, sleepily.

Bellamy looked at her one last time, laying there, curled up beneath the blankets. Then he turned and made a spot on the floor a few feet from his bed, falling asleep to the steady sounds of Clarke’s breathing.

* * *

For the next few days, Clarke and Bellamy fell into a comfortable routine. They would go about their business during the day, Clarke treating minor wounds and helping Octavia sew blankets from animal hides. She and Octavia began to talk more and the first time that Octavia smiled at Clarke, it made Clarke’s heart ache with something like happiness. When Octavia clenched her jaw in frustration with a thread it reminded her of Bellamy.

Clarke couldn’t help but watch him work from across camp. Bellamy was strong and dedicated, taking care to help everyone and give instruction when needed. A cool autumn breeze swept through the camp, making Clarke shiver a little, but Bellamy’s back was still damp with sweat and his curls kept falling over his forehead. Something about him had her heart racing. The muscles in his arms flexed and rolled as he carried tree limbs and swung his ax at the protruding sticks and knobs dotting the wood. She wondered what those muscles would feel like beneath her hands.

At night, Clarke would make her way to his room and lay down amongst the blankets that smelled so strongly of Bellamy’s skin, woodsy and warm. Sometimes Bellamy was already asleep on his spot on the floor, and sometimes he was awake, waiting for her with food.   Bellamy would grin at her as he turned out the light and settled down and she would find herself blushing in the dark, confused about the odd sensation in her stomach, like she’d missed a step going down a flight of stairs. It had been a long time since Clarke had felt anything similar. 

* * *

After a couple days Clarke suggested that Bellamy sleep on the bed with her, rather than sleeping on the floor. “Bellamy, you can’t keep sleeping on the floor down there! It’s uncomfortable and can cause spinal misalignment.” In reality, she just craved the feeling of him next to her. The nights were beginning to grow chilly as the wind swept across the lake. She was cold and Bellamy was nothing but heat. He seemed to warm her from the inside out just by casting his dark eyes her way.

“Clarke, you don’t have to do this. Honestly. I’m fine on the floor!” Bellamy responded.

“What, afraid I’ll compromise your virtue? Or what little you have left, I should say.” Clarke jibed, rolling her eyes.

Bellamy gave her a withering glare before making his way over to the bed. “Move over then...” He said shaking his head. The makeshift bed felt blissfully comfortable after days on the floor. Clarke didn’t miss his soft sigh of relief, smiling a little.

Bellamy turned off the lamp and the two of them were thrown into darkness. For a few minutes, neither of them spoke. The bed was just big enough for the two of them to lay side by side. Clarke’s feet brushed Bellamy’s and her heart jumped into her throat.  What am I doing? Clarke thought to herself, but when she rolled on her side to look at Bellamy’s profile, a reassuring shape in the dark, the question slid away from her mind.

* * *

Bellamy sometimes felt like he’d never sleep. His heart pounded when he laid down next to Clarke at night.   _We’re just close friends. It doesn’t mean anything. We’re close friends, that’s all_ he would tell himself, knowing all along that he was swallowing a lie. Every time Clarke’s skin brushed against his it felt like his skin was on fire. When he finally did sleep, it was deep and dreamless; it was safe. When he did have a nightmare, he could feel Clarke lightly running her fingers through his dark curls to soothe him as he fell back into a heavy sleep.

Some mornings he would wake with his legs tangled in Clarke’s and his arm draped over her waist. Neither of them seemed to mind and neither brought it up with the other. Most recently when this happened , Clarke had sleepily rolled over and buried herself into Bellamy’s embrace, her nose snuggled into his neck, her hair splayed out around them. He lay there for a few minutes more listening to her soft snores and light breaths as they tickled his neck. Without thinking he ran his hand over her hair, pushing it away from her face. She didn’t stir beneath his light touch. He carefully climbed out of bed and pulled the blankets over her exposed shoulder before leaving her to her dreams.

* * *

It was too much. Clarke was to the point where she could think of little else. Her mind should have been on the possibility of another war. She should have been worrying about Lexa’s close proximity, only mere miles away, or where Echo was and how soon Natalia would arrive….Instead all she could think about was how badly she wanted to feel Bellamy’s skin beneath her hands. He’d been sleeping in a t-shirt and his fitted boxers since she began sleeping in his room and she found herself wishing that he wouldn’t. Sometimes while Bellamy slept beside her, she’d imagine what it would feel like to have the weight of his body on top of her. When his arm fell over her waist she’d think about his hands moving lower. Whenever he rolled over to face her, she’d fight the urge to lean forward and kiss him. Clarke wanted to memorize each and every part of his body with her mouth and she desperately wanted to feel him explore hers.

Then she felt guilt and fear, unable to shake the feeling that she carried death like a disease. She was terrified that she would spread it. It seemed silly and Clarke knew that logically, that was completely impossible, but it didn’t stop the apprehensive ache deep in her bones. She’d never been so strongly attracted to anyone in the way that she was to Bellamy. But it wasn’t just a physical pull. No, it was something more, and that’s what scared her the most. It was his voice as it curled around her name, soothing her with it’s deep tone. It was the way that he looked at her, with respect and admiration. Bellamy viewed her as an equal. A partner. But something between them had changed and Clarke didn’t know when or why or how. And she didn’t care. She liked Bellamy. She more than liked him.

“Clarke...Hey! Clarke!” Octavia said. She snapped her fingers and Clarke surfaced from her thoughts. “You okay?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, fine.” Clarke responded blinking and dropping her gaze to the food in front of her. Raven bumped her shoulder gently and Clarke looked over to her with a small smile. “I’m fine.”

“If Echo doesn’t show up with Natalia soon, none of us are going to be fine. We’re gonna be completely fucked. Lexa may not have every clan at her back, but she has enough to bring us down without breaking a sweat.” Octavia said, darkly.

“You think Echo was intercepted?” Clarke asked her. She’d been mulling over that discouraging thought in between thoughts of Bellamy trailing kisses down her neck…

“I think it’s more than likely. If Lexa or one of her scouts found her and captured her, she’s already dead. And as resilient as Echo is, I don’t know if she could withstand enough torture to keep quiet about what we’re doing.”

“What was it you said about not having every clan backing her?” Clarke asked, when the words finally settled in.

Octavia smirked a little. “Seems some Grounders don’t agree with the decision that Lexa made at Mount Weather. They’re saying her choice was dishonorable. It’s been a well hidden dispute. We probably wouldn’t have known if Lincoln hadn’t heard some Grounders speaking about it when he was scouting the woods.” Her eyes shined with pride and love, making Clarke grin.

“Hmm. I’ve heard about some of the dissent while traveling. But, for the most part I’ve been far enough away that we just heard rumors of what’s happening with the leaders at the capital. Nothing certain.” Octavia’s scowl at Clarke’s easy “we” in reference to the Grounders didn’t go unnoticed. “They’re not all Lexa, Octavia.” For once, Octavia didn’t retaliate.

“Hey, didn’t you say that Lexa came to one of the villages you were staying in a few hours from here?” Raven asked, a dawning expression of comprehension lighting her face. “Lexa doesn’t just go around visiting villages. Even when an old torch is staying there.” Clarke grimaced. “I don’t think she came just to ask about an alliance, Clarke.”

“You think maybe she was there to negotiate with their leader? Makes sense.” Clarke responded. Her mind was swirling with ideas, trying to find a way to use the information then- “We could do the same thing.”

“What? Go around to the leader of all 12 of the clans and beg them to take our side over their Commander’s?” Raven asked, incredulously. “In case you haven’t noticed, they’re pretty damn loyal to their leaders.”

Octavia nodded in agreement. “They are fiercely loyal. But, they also believe in doing the right thing. Most of them anyway.”

“We won’t be _begging_ them to help us, though.” Clarke clarified. “We’re going to _convince_ them to help us. We're going to tell them the truth.”

* * *

Bellamy sat on his bed, looking through one of Clarke’s books on medicine that the Grounder had given her. There were phrases in a language he couldn’t understand written along the sides of the pages. With a sigh, he leaned his head back to rest against the wall. He looked up at the small window above him to see that the sky was an inky black. He’d barely seen Clarke all day. It was past the time she normally came to his room at night and climbed into bed with him, her icy feet brushing his legs, sending a shiver through his body that had nothing to do with the cold.

When he returned to the book and turned the page, a diagram of the human heart stared back at him. All around it arrows pointed to valves and atriums.  The text below talked about oxygen and blood, life pumping through your body, but it didn’t talk about the pain that radiated through your heart when you took another’s life. It didn’t have a diagram of how your heart shattered when you watched someone you love walk away from you. It didn’t have a chapter on the sinking feelings, the heavy feelings, the elated feelings, the anger, the fear. There were no paragraphs on the things that Bellamy felt every day as he waited for Lexa to kill them all. There was no hope of Echo and Natalia returning written in the margins.. No section on love bleeding through your veins, draining you dry.

Bellamy tried to shake the sudden thoughts of Clarke from his mind and slammed the book shut just as Clarke herself finally came through the door.

 

Clarke grinned and came towards him, pulling off her boots and her jacket. She plopped down onto the bed next to him with a sigh. Bellamy turned to look at her as she stared forward at the wall. When she finally turned to meet his eyes, he saw fear there, hovering at the corners of her vision. His stomach churned as his mind tried to prepare itself for what was coming.

“I’ve seen that look before, Clarke.” Bellamy said, raising an eyebrow. "What's going on?"

Clarke took a deep breath. “I have to tell you something. I was speaking to Octavia and Raven after dinner earlier…” Clarke relayed everything that had been discussed at dinner, from the state of the clans, to her suggestions on how to use the rift that had formed between the Grounders to their advantage. “...So, that’s the plan. Or it could be if we discuss things with my mom and Kane. And honestly, I could do it anyways, by myself if it came to that. But, I think it could work, Bellamy. I think speaking to the other clans and the different villages in the Tri Kru could actually save us, and them. Lexa may be a cold bitch, but not all of them are.”

Bellamy mulled over her words. “Well, it’s a good plan. Especially since we haven’t heard from the Ice Nation. That is, if we can even get out of camp safely.”

Clarke nodded her head, looking relieved that Bellamy was on board and recognizing his reservations. “We’ll have to go in groups to speak with them. I’m thinking that I can travel to some villages with Octavia. Lincoln can travel with one of the others-”

“Lincoln can travel with Octavia. I’ll go with you.”

“Bellamy...I think you should stay here in camp. Lincoln and I speak fluent grounder. Octavia knows most of the language and their customs. Sending informed parties out in groups is a good way to communicate with different tribes quickly. Besides, we need you here. You have a connection to the Ice Nation because of Echo.”

Was that the slightest flash of jealousy in her eyes? “Your mom can talk to Echo. I’m coming with you.”

Bellamy stood and Clarke followed him. He made a show of rooting through his bag for something, avoiding her eyes.. Clarke was standing a foot away, looking at him anxiously.

“Do you trust me?” Clarke asked.

Bellamy stood and crossed his arms over his chest, exhaling heavily.

“Bell, you know things that the others don’t know about Grounder military tactics. You know Echo. They need you here. They need your instincts and your ability to rally a crowd. Or we may not have a chance of getting out of this alive.”

Bellamy dropped his gaze to the floor and when he looked up his expression was pained. “You’re so full of shit, Clarke.”

Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed. “You know I’m right. And I’ll be fine out there. I spent almost a year in the wilderness with Grounders.  You have to stay here, Bellamy.”

“Clarke, in case you hadn’t realized, you’re not in charge anymore. I don’t _have_ to do anything.” Bellamy said roughly.

“I don’t want to be in charge! I want to help our people to survive. Preferably without killing hundreds of innocent people in the process.” Clarke said, raising her voice. It cracked on the very end. She blinked and turned away. Bellamy wished he could take it back. He wished they could just leave and never look back. But that wasn't who they were. It never would be.

“You don’t have to keep doing everything on your own, Clarke! When are you gonna get that through your stubborn skull?” He asked, stepping closer to her.

“I’m not going to ask you to risk your life again.” Clarke responded firmly.

“That’s my choice. Not yours.”

“Bellamy please! Just do this for me.” Clarke pleaded.

“Why should I?” Bellamy asked, his throat strained with the effort of holding back what was about to come tumbling out.

“Because I need you to live.” Clarke said, moving closer to Bellamy. Their toes were almost touching when she stopped. She looked up into his deep brown eyes. “I don’t want you to get hurt anymore. Not by anyone! And especially not because of me.”

Bellamy met her clear blue eyes. “Clarke, I can’t watch you walk out those gates. Not  again. Not without me. “

“I’m coming back, Bellamy.” Clarke said quietly.

“You don’t know that.” He responded.

They both stood, shoe to shoe looking at each other for a moment. She was so close that Bellamy could count the dusting of freckles across her nose. His stomach felt warm as he noticed the quick rise and fall of her chest. The air between them tingled with tension. He pushed away the urge to reach out and hold her. He fought the desire to kiss her, hard, to try and make her understand what was happening to him. It was tearing him up inside, this love. He wanted to wipe it out and forget what it meant. Finally Bellamy broke eye contact and moved away from her. Cold air swept between them, whisking away that fleeting possibility of something _more_.

“Bellamy, wait.” Clarke’s hand drifted to his and she slipped her small hand into his large rough palm. He turned, staring at her, waiting for her next words, unsure if he even wanted to hear them.

But they never came.

Instead she took his face in her small, cold, hands and looked into his eyes. Bellamy returned her gaze, his chest imploding, caving in on his resolve. When Octavia came into the world, Bellamy believed he would never care for anyone else so completely. He’d had plenty of meaningless relationships with girls on the ark. He’d slept with plenty of women. But, keeping Octavia safe and invisible took priority over everything else. He’d never even tried to form a real bond with someone. Too much love made loss more painful, too must trust made betrayal harder to bear. But, no one ever crept under his skin the way Clarke did. Standing so close to her, made his heartbeat pound in his ears, drowning out everything else. The smell of her skin made him dizzy with want. Bellamy wanted to love her. He wanted to trust her. He wanted to kiss her. Nothing but blinding pain was waiting in the wings and Bellamy was dangerously close to taking a hit with her lips so close to his and the space between them so open and raw. He lifted his hands to hers, holding them in place, his thumb brushing softly across her skin.

A loud knock sounded on the door and Octavia burst into the room, stopping short when she saw the scene before her. Something flashed in her eyes. Their hands slowly separated and fell to their sides. Bellamy gave Clarke a quick glance before he turned to Octavia. “O, what’s wrong?”

Octavia didn’t answer at first, still looking at Clarke. Something passed between them, unspoken. Then, “Lexa knows Clarke is here.”

 


	10. Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy and Clarke finally face their feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the ridiculously long wait between chapters. I just graduated from university and it was really hectic for a while there. I hope this chapter was worth the wait! Thank you so much for sticking with me and this story. It means the world to me. Leave a comment down below letting me know what you think, if you'd like! Here it goes....SEXY BELLARKE COMING YOUR WAY.

For a moment, no one spoke. Clarke could have sworn that she heard each of their heart beats, pounding in sync. She knew that Lexa would eventually realize that she was at Camp Jaha, but she had hoped to fly under the radar, to avoid a confrontation for as long as possible. Now, that would be impossible.

“Clarke’s been keeping her head down, staying away from the gates...so I don’t know how she found out.” Octavia said. Clarke could feel her eyes on her.

“Well, it’s not like we’ve been trying to keep it a secret..” Clarke said, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I’d just rather avoid her if I can. I don’t want to see her. Ever.”

Bellamy hadn’t said anything, his eyebrows furrowed. When he finally spoke, his voice sounded dark and weary.

“They’re watching us.”

“The Grounders? How? We’ve been watching the woods and the gates!” Octavia growled.

“I don’t know, but how else would they know Clarke’s here if Lexa is supposed to be miles away waiting for us to give her an answer? Could be one person, could be more. But, they’re watching.” Bellamy said. “We need to tell SInclair and Kane. They’re in charge of security. Should probably tell Abby too.”

He made for the door, his gait purposeful and powerful. “Bellamy wait!” Clarke called. When he turned to look at her, the light hit his features just right. In that moment he looked like a grand warrior. Or maybe an angel if Clarke believed in that sort of thing. “Let me tell my mom.”

Bellamy nodded, his eyes raking over her face, Clarke’s breath catching in her chest. Then he was gone.

“She asked to speak with you. That’s how we found out. She sent a grounder to relay her message. You can’t avoid it forever, Clarke.”

Clarke finally met Octavia’s eyes. “You didn’t tell anyone about Lexa’s feelings for me. Why?”

“Not my place.” Octavia said simply. “You need to face this sooner rather than later, though. The Clarke I know wouldn’t allow Lexa to hold this kind of power over her.”

Maybe I’m not that Clarke anymore. Maybe I’ve been under the weight of a gun for too long. “I need to go and speak with my mom.”

Octavia looked disappointed as she left the room.

* * *

Abby opened the door as soon as Clarke knocked. “Clarke.” She breathed. Then she wrapped her daughter in her arms, squeezing just a little too tight, a little too long. The smell of her hair, tickling Clarke’s cheek made her feel small and innocent for a moment.

“Hey, Mom.” Clarke said, smiling. “Got a minute?”

She stepped into Abby’s room, closing the door behind her. “What was it you needed, honey? I’m glad you came by. I feel like I hardly get to see you.” Clarke could see the stitch of pain in her mother’s expression. “Clarke, are you...are you sure you’re comfortable staying with Bellamy?”

Clarke closed her eyes briefly. “Yes, mom. I’m sure. I wouldn’t be staying with him if I weren’t.”

“Clarke, he’s six years older than you.” Abby said gently. “You don’t want people to think-”

“I don’t care what everyone thinks. Bellamy and I are friends. We have an understanding. There’s nowhere else that I feel safer right now. Please don’t take that the wrong way. I love you mom. But, I’m content where I am.” Her tone closed the doorway for discussion.

“What is it that you wanted to talk about?” Abby asked, her voice laced with frustration.

“Lexa knows I’m here.” Clarke said, speaking quickly to deter questions. “And that could make it worse for all of you. I wanted to let you know myself before anyone else did. She wants to meet.”

Abby’s frustration disappeared and apprehension took its place. ”That’s not happening, Clarke.”

“That’s not your decision.” Clarke’s eyes filled with tears. No one could make this decision for her. “But, I’d like your advice. I don’t know what to do, mom. I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of me. I don’t anyone to get hurt at all.”

Abby took her daughter’s face in her hands, tears falling down her own cheeks. “I know, honey. I know. But, you can only be responsible for your own actions. You only get one chance on earth and you have to do what you think is right. I...I trust you Clarke. I trust your instincts. It doesn’t always mean I’ll agree with your suggestions, but I will always consider them. We’ve been through this once.The only way to get through it is together.”

“If I talk to her, it might make things worse. Or it could make them better. But I don’t know which and...and I can’t have anyone else with me. It just has to be me.”

Clarke steeled herself for an argument that never came. Abby hugged her tightly, whispering, “We’ll figure it out, okay? Let’s not worry about that right now. We’ll decide who to send later.”

Clarke’s veins buzzed with fear and anticipation when she left. But, she knew what she needed to do. No one else was getting sent in her place. She had to be the one to go.

* * *

“Lexa knows that Clarke is here. Which means there are Grounders watching us and we didn’t know.” Bellamy said, folding his arms over his chest. Kane sighed, rubbing his eyes, and Sinclair’s eyes widened at Bellamy’s words.

“We’ll need to up security even more if it’s possible.” Bellamy said to Kane.

“That’s a good idea. If I can get more people to help out without losing anyone.” Kane’s eyes looked tired, circled with dark colors like a permanent bruise. Everyone was stretched thin from waiting. They can’t go through another war when they haven’t recovered from the first.

“I’ll get Monty and Wick to help me go through the security loops and see if we can find where they may be hiding if they’re still out there. And we’ll see about setting up more cameras further into the forest.” Sinclair said.

“What we need to do is stop hiding behind these damn walls.”

“Bellamy, we have to exercise caution.” Kane said as though speaking to a child.

“If we don’t stand up for our people and our home they’ll just keep coming back. They’ll keep coming and they’ll keep killing us. We can’t keep waiting for the Ice Nation. We’ve given them time. It’s been 3 weeks. They should’ve made it here by now. We can’t spare more people or supplies. We’re running low on everything as it is. We need to resolve this.” Bellamy said, breathing heavily. His anger, fueled by fear, boiled beneath his skin. He couldn’t keep doing this. Before he said something he’d regret, he left the room, the metal doors sliding shut behind him.

* * *

Clarke paced around the room, chewing her lip and pondering the day’s events. Her heart was beating like a drum inside her chest. Her mother’s words crashed around her head: You only get one chance on earth. She was so tired of distancing herself. If she was going to die, she wanted to die knowing that she had done this one thing. That she had given herself this chance...

Bellamy flung the door open and shut it roughly behind him. “Kane was the same as usual. He wants to sit and do nothing while the Grounders threaten us at the front door. And I spoke with Raven and Monty about resources today and we’re running on empty here. If we don’t do something soon we’re going to be wrecked.”

Clarke couldn’t speak, her heart in her throat.

“You okay?” Bellamy asked, shrugging off his jacket. His neck and face glistened with sweat, the night air stagnant, the lake giving off no wind that night.

Clarke knew there was no way to explain. No way to say I can’t keep you at arm's reach anymore. There was no way to tell him that she needed him to be a part of her life, that she didn’t want to be separate from him.  It scared her, the rushing in her veins when she looked at him. It terrified her to think that if she ever lost him, she would lose something of herself. She felt selfish and she felt sad. But more than anything, she felt love. She’d never felt more love than she did when he smiled at her. Or when she watched him work. His rare laugh sent shocks of light through her. And his warmth lying next to her at night left her breathless. Rather than ignore it or repress it, Clarke acted on it, trusting her instincts, abandoning her fear, her guilt, her sadness. She moved toward him and stood on her tiptoes, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. He started at her touch and his breathing became ragged when Clarke descended to his neck.

Bellamy pulled away, his hands gripping her arms firmly. “Clarke…”

“What?” She whispered, praying to whoever was listening that he wouldn’t move away any farther. If he did, she was worried she’d stumble in this world and never stop falling.

“What’s going on?” He whispered back, his voice rough and deep. Clarke didn’t answer him as her gaze dropped to his lips. “The last time you kissed my cheek, you were leaving.”

Clarke’s eyes darted to Bellamy’s and something inside her split open. The pain of it was unlike anything she’d experienced before. It felt like all the hurt in this world had decided to crush her under its weight. Everything she’d ever done on this earth welled up into a raging sea within her and Clarke’s heart was dashed against the rocks. Every emotion  seemed to drain from her body until all she felt was Bellamy’s hands holding her arms. She was so sick of tears, so sick of hurt. So sick of waiting and worrying and trying and failing. This was it.

Clarke held Bellamy’s gaze. “I never want to leave you again. Not ever. I care about you more than anyone, Bell.”

Bellamy was speechless, his vision blurred with tears. He felt his chest expand and welcomed the fullness of the feeling. Without any words to speak, he did what made the most sense to him and kissed her. His lips pressed to hers in a gentle kiss and everything fell away until they were blinded to everything but each other. For that small moment in time nothing outside their little world existed and nothing could ever hurt inside that kiss. No one existed except for the two of them. Not Lexa, not Finn, not Echo....

The kiss went from soft and gentle to hard and urgent. Bellamy’s hands moved to cup Clarke’s face and her small hands caressed his neck and trailed down his chest until they broke for air. They parted, but never fully, hands still touching, foreheads pressed together. “I’m with you Clarke. I’m always with you.” Bellamy breathed. He kissed her forehead and her eyes fell closed in relief. Her heart felt so expansive, her love felt endless. It made her lightheaded.

Bellamy lifted Clarke into his arms, continuing to kiss her. When he laid her down on the bed, she looked up at him with swollen lips and he found himself on the precipice again, reminded of the first night she’d came into his room and laid on his bed. Except this time, he didn’t feel like he was falling; this time felt more like leaping. Clarke sat up and pushed his shirt up, pressing kisses to his stomach and the chiseled muscle at the top of his pants. Bellamy sighed at her touch and ran his fingers through her golden hair. She took his hand in hers and pressed a kiss to his palm. When her eyes met his, a warmth spread through him and his pants grew tighter. Clarke tugged him down on top of her, her breathing ragged as she fumbled with this shirt, pulling it up over his head. Next was her own shirt, discarded as Bellamy began to kiss her neck and collarbone, lightly sucking at the pulse in her throat. He moved further down and nipped at the sensitive skin at the top of her breasts and she gasped, squeezing her thighs around his middle.

“We don’t have to rush anything, Clarke.” Bellamy breathed as he continued to kiss a path to the top of her pants. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

Clarke closed her eyes, savoring the feeling of his soft lips against her skin. “I want you.” She managed to say. “I want...I want all of you. Always.”

He tugged at the top of her pants with his teeth, eliciting another gasp from Clarke. She looked up at the stars shining through the skylight, glad she was on the earth. If there was anything that made her feel closer to the heavens it had to be Bellamy’s skin against hers. His lips were on hers again and she wound her fingers into Bellamy’s dark curls and tugged lightly, He groaned and she flipped them over, unhooking her bra with expert fingers. Bellamy looked up into Clarke’s eyes, his expression open and beautiful. Clarke smiled and he slid his fingers up to her chest, slowly. He smiled into her kiss, the feeling of bare skin on skin sending electric currents through both of them. Clarke could feel pressure build between her thighs as she felt Bellamy’s swell pressing up against her just as he rolled them over again. Clarke made to unbutton his pants, but he stilled her hands, bringing them to his lips.

Clarke’s heart was racing and she felt like she’d never catch her breath. Bellamy slowly unbuttoned her pants and discarded them by their shirts, quickly leaning back down to Clarke’s lips. She ran her fingers down his back, his shoulders, his arms. She felt his rough fingers tug at her underwear until they too were on the floor, and then he cupped his hand against her, making gentle circles against her skin. The sudden contact was almost too much and Clarke had to bite her lip to keep from crying out. Bellamy’s lips moved to her breasts and the combined contact released the moan she’d been trying to internalize. She moved her hands between them, stroking at his skin, pulling on his pants. Rather than oblige, Bellamy slid down her body and dipped his head between her thighs. Clarke’s eyes rolled back and she closed them in ecstasy. She had never felt anything like this. With Finn, it was rough and rushed. Bellamy took his time and knew when to be gentle or when to be rough. She played with his black curls, whispering _Bellamy_ into the night until the feeling became too much and she felt release hit her mercilessly, crashing over her in waves while Bellamy held her to him, kissing her forehead and pushing her hair from her neck to place another kiss there. Clarke’s hand slipped between them, rubbing her hand against him, unbuttoning his pants and pushing them away.

“Clarke...You don’t have to…” Bellamy said, leaning over her, beads of sweat gathering on his tanned skin.

“I know I don’t.” Clarke whispered. Bellamy rolled onto his back and Clarke laid next to him, still running her hands down his body. She curled into him and brought her lips to his ear. “I want to.” She lightly nipped at his earlobe before standing and dragging his pants from his body. As soon as he was free of them, he sighed with relief. Clarke climbed back onto the bed, and lowered herself to kiss Bellamy's chest again. When she reached his boxers, she licked the slight trail of dark hair just above the waistband before pulling those down too.

The feeling of her hands against his skin sent his body into overdrive and Clarke was still coming down from before. “Clarke!” He gasped, his hands curling into fists as he fought release. He repeated her name, like a prayer or a promise, as she lowered her lips to him. After some time the feeling was too much and relief cascaded through his body, leaving him tired, but satisfied. He immediately rolled over to Clarke and pulled her closer, pressing a kiss to her back, waiting for their hearts to slow and their breathing to even out.

 **  
** Neither of them had experienced something like that, so strongly. They felt entirely  tethered to one another, two sides of the same coin. Clarke rested her head on Bellamy’s chest, one hand reaching for his. His fingers squeezed hers tightly and they fell asleep like that, their legs tangled, completely enfolded in one another.


	11. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy finds Clarke and the two of them stumble upon a horrible surprise.

Clarke awoke merely hours after falling asleep next to Bellamy. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and pressed her palms over her eyelids. For a moment, she forgot where she was and what’s happened; for one fleeting moment she thought she was on the Ark, floating in space, but when she looked up through the skylight, she was suddenly grounded. She rolled over, looking at Bellamy intently. He slept on his stomach, dark curls falling over his forehead. Clarke slowly got out of bed and dressed herself, careful not to wake him. A lump formed in her throat as she picked up her pack. She allowed herself one more glance before leaving the room and winding her way through the Ark.

 

She could still feel Bellamy’s touch on her skin, still hear his labored breaths. Each step away from him became more difficult, but she kept going,reminding herself that going to Lexa’s camp was the only solution. She waited until the patrol had moved away from the western gate before creeping out into the darkness, sunrise mere hours away. The smaller gate proved much easier to pass through, unseen to all but those who knew it was there. She fiercely ignored the strong urge to turn around.

 

The walk to the Tri Kru camp would be long, nearly a full day. She’d have to stop before sunrise and rest for a few hours over the day. She could get to Lexa’s camp by the next night. Clarke could  feel the eyes of Lexa’s spies on her and her fingers tightened around the knife held discreetly in her palm. She was familiar with the path now, having tread it multiple times, but she knew no one could know it better than the people in the trees above her. She walked steadily, making good time and putting a good distance between herself and Camp Jaha, or Arkadia, as the Arkers now called it. _What a joke_ Clarke thought. _There is no such thing as a safe haven. We're never completely safe in this world._

 

Bellamy awoke with a start, gasping as though doused in water. He'd been dreaming of the Ark falling out of the sky, watching the earth as they plummeted toward it. It took him a few moments to remember where he was, his heart pounding, sweat clinging to his naked skin. When his heart calmed, with a rush of heat, he remembered last night. He could still taste Clarke on his tongue, still feel her hair and lips brushing his skin….But, when he turned to look at her, he found the bed empty. His eyebrows furrowed and something like the beginnings of panic ran through his bloodstream. He knew, even before he turned that Clarke was gone. He took a moment to gather himself before turning to see the empty space next to him.

 

“Damnit, Clarke…” Bellamy growls to the empty room. He knew she’d do something like this and he hated it. No matter how many times she promised to be a part of him, to be a part of this community, she would still put herself outside of everyone else. She was a martyr in some ways and he wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her. _Don’t you understand that you’re mortal?_ Maybe Clarke was beginning to believe her own legend. Or maybe that was just his fear talking.

 

He hurriedly dressed and checked the clip of his gun, walking purposefully from the room.

The first person Bellamy told was Octavia. He ran to her tent, sweeping the tarp aside thoughtlessly.

 

“Ever heard of privacy?” Octavia growled, glaring. She was sitting between Lincoln’s legs as he taught  her to write in Trigedasleng, but her irritation evaporated at the look on Bellamy’s face. For a moment Bellamy was startled that they were  awake, but he swallowed his inquiry.

 

“Bell, what is it? What’s going on?”

 

“It’s Clarke. She took off. Most likely to talk to Lexa.”

 

Lincoln interjected quickly. “We’re supposed to go and speak with the other Grounder clans today. The Ice Nation still hasn’t spoken to us.”

 

“I’m thinking there may be a reason for that.” Bellamy sighed.

 

Lincoln nodded his head knowingly. “Interception.”

 

Bellamy met his gaze. “I need to get to Clarke as soon as possible. O, go and wake up Kane and Abby. I’ll swing by Raven’s and get her up. She and Wick can check the feed and see what’s going on in the woods.”

 

As Bellamy walked away, Octavia grabbed his arm tightly. “You don’t have to do this. Clarke has Lexa’s favor. If you go out there, they will kill you.”

 

Bellamy’s eyes flitted from Lincoln’s to Octavia’s. He lowered his voice and said, “I can’t lose Clarke, Octavia. I can’t lose her like this.”

 

Octavia detected the change in tone and felt Bellamy’s worry heightening. Bellamy was her only family. He had always been there for her, as long as she could remember...and that’s what made her decide. Rather than argue, she said, “It’s gonna be alright, Bell. Okay?”

 

Bellamy didn’t answer. There was nothing to say. “Tell Kane I went ahead. Tell him to do everything as planned. Go to the other Grounders and gather them. Send someone to the Ice Nation. If something goes wrong with Lexa and Clarke, things could get real ugly real fast. It’ll take her a full day to get there on foot. I can find her.” His face was serious, his brows furrowed, his heart pounding like a broken metronome in his chest.

 

Octavia nodded and kissed Bellamy on the cheek before brushing past him. Lincoln clapped him on the shoulder and followed suit. Before Bellamy could put any more thought into it, he moved forward, his chest searing, his head pounding. He had to do something. He couldn’t stand by and watch her walk away again- not without talking to her first.

 

* * *

Clarke’s back ached from carrying her pack. She’d packed very little, but what she had packed was heavy; one of Bellamy’s guns, some fruit and vegetables from the gardens, and a blanket in case she needed to stop and rest. She was making good time, but it never felt like she was going fast enough. And when it did she desperately wished that time would slow down. She tried to keep her mind focused on the task ahead, but tears pricked at her eyes anyways. This wouldn’t be easy. She stopped in her tracks in the pitch black and for the first time in her life she considered what it would be like not to exist at all. Then she remembered the freckles dotting Bellamy’s nose and cheeks, the way his voice sounded in the mornings, and the feel of his hand wrapped around hers and she realized it was impossible. No matter what happened, she would always feel an instinctual pull towards him. She was sure that they could bury her 6 feet under and her soul would still find a way to reach him and hold on.

 

Clarke closed her eyes and felt the hot tears fall down her face in the darkness. She roughly wiped them away and continued to wind her way through the night, keeping to the shadows of the trees, wary of Lexa’s spies. A rustling noise reached her ears and Clarke whipped around, her eyes searching the shadows through dappled moonlight. It grew louder and she pulled her knife from her boot, slowly moving backwards up the hill. Suddenly someone grabbed her around the waist and clamped their hand over her mouth, half dragging her behind a thick tree. She cut their arm with her knife and a grunt sounded behind her, the hand sliding from her mouth. She knew that voice.

 

“Bellamy?” Clarke whispered, trying to turn around, but he held her to him tightly whispering “shhh” into her ear. She fell silent, the only sound that of his breath in her ear and the sound of her own heart beating. She began to grow impatient but just as she opened her mouth to speak she heard a twig snap. Bellamy released her but kept his hand on her arm as he craned around the side of the tree. A grounder stalked through the night, listening. When nothing but silence greeted his ears he ran past Clarke and Bellamy and up the hill.

 

“What the hell are you doing out here?” Clarke growled, finally turning to look at him.

 

“I could ask you the same thing.” Bellamy said slowly, holding a hand to his bleeding arm. “But, I already know the answer.”

 

“Bellamy, I had to-” Clarke began.

 

“I know.” Bellamy said, his expression hard to read. “But, you’re not going alone this time.”

 

“It’s not safe out here.” Clarke sighed. “You have to go back. I…I need to talk to Lexa. She’ll listen to me.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be fine.” Bellamy said rolling his eyes and rubbing at them. When he looked back, Clarke was staring at him with wide eyes.

 

“When are you going to understand that we’re _not_ fine? We’re never going to be _fine_ , Bell.” Clarke said. “We’re damaged goods. _I’m damaged goods_.”

 

Bellamy looked her over slowly then met her eyes. “Clarke, you are anything but damaged.”

 

His voice was full and warm as the words left his lips. Clarke didn’t know what to say so she crossed her arms and turned her back to him.

 

“We need to keep moving if you want to make it there before dawn. It’s only a few hours away and there’s no way we can get through these woods in daylight without one of Lexa’s warriors finding us.” Bellamy said, brushing past Clarke and making his way up the hill.

 

“Bellamy, wait! You’re….You can’t go with me. Lexa won’t be okay with you being there. And Emerson will be there too. I can go in and speak with her alone. I think I can get through to her.”

 

“Because she likes you?” Bellamy asked delicately. “Or because you like her?”

 

Clarke’s brows furrowed at his words and her heart sank to her stomach. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

Bellamy looked at her sadly, but kept moving. Clarke rushed to his side and gently turned him to look at her. She looked like she was about to cry. “Who told you?”

 

“Clarke…” Bellamy breathed softly. He took her face in his hands and pressed his lips to her forehead. She closed her eyes and a tear escaped from beneath her eyelashes. He touched foreheads with her, saying, “No one told me. I know you, Clarke. When Lexa left us in that mountain, she didn’t just leave our people, she left _you_.”

 

Clarke looked up at Bellamy and he wiped a tear away from her cheek. His fingers were a gentle caress against her skin. “I trusted her. All of our people trusted me and I made the wrong choice. I have so much blood on my hands.” Clarke’s breath caught in her chest.

 

“Then we match.” Bellamy said darkly, his large hands clenching. He looked away then, scanning the shadows. Clarke stared at his profile in the darkness, . Bellamy looked back to her and said gently, “You’re not at fault for loving her, Clarke. We don’t choose who we love.”

 

“Bellamy..." Clarke whispered into the night. "I love you. Right here. Right now. Always."

 

“I know you do." Bellamy said. "You loved Lexa. And that's okay. My mother used to say that there were different kinds of love, always ebbing and flowing and changing. Time passes. People change. Loving Lexa in the past doesn't undermine our love." Clarke looked up at his profile as he stared away into the darkness. He looked like a picturesque statue in the silvery moonlight. "I love you Clarke. Nothing is going to change that."

 

Clarke looked up into Bellamy’s dark eyes and stood on tiptoes to kiss him deeply. He opened to her, unraveling at her touch. When they parted she ran her thumb across the soft swell of his lips. She couldn’t even begin to explain the depth of her love for Bellamy so she tried to let her body do the talking, hoping that he could feel how much she cared about him. They wrapped their arms around one another, clinging tightly. It almost felt like a goodbye of sorts even though both of them tried to convince themselves otherwise.

 

“Come on. We need to keep moving.” Bellamy says again. This time they both move forward in unison.

* * *

 

They’d been walking together for nearly 2 hours before it happened. They were getting close to Lexa’s encampment, halfway between Polis and Camp Jaha. Clarke and Bellamy had been keeping to the shadows, eyes sharp, muscles tense. The closer they got, the more dangerous the forest felt. Bellamy’s palms were sweating under the gun he held cocked and ready in his hands.

 

“Bell.” Clarke whispered, hand on his arm. “Look.”

 

Bellamy looked towards where her finger pointed to see an odd shape in the darkness. He kept his gun high and moved stealthily forward with Clarke at his heels. The closer they came, the clearer they could see what lay before them.

 

A body.

 

It was nailed into a large tree, blood soaking into the bark and dripping down the person’s legs, arms, and chest. Bellamy’s stomach turned and he breathed in deeply before moving closer. Clarke’s eyes were wide and it felt as though had stolen the wind from her lungs.

“Oh my god.” Clarke said, louder than she meant to. It’s no stranger left to rot on the great tree before them.

 

It’s Echo.

 

“Echo.” Bellamy breathed. Something inside him was crumbling. He fought against the bile rising in his throat and forced himself to look away. Clarke moved forward and carefully checked Echo’s pulse. She turned to Bellamy and shook her head.

 

“Bellamy, she’s only been here a few hours.” Clarke said.

 

“We need to get away from here.” Bellamy couldn’t stop looking at the body before him. “This is why we haven’t heard from the Ice Nation. We have to le-”

 

Before Bellamy could finish his sentence a hard thump to the back of his head floored him. He dizzily fell to the ground, eyes watering with pain.

 

“Bellamy!” Clarke screams. Then she’s knocked to the ground too. Her eyes were on Bellamy as a grounder tied his hands and put a sack over his head. Ropes were wrapped around her wrists tightly, cutting into her skin. Then a tan burlap sack fell over her eyes until all she saw was a mottled night between the threads of her captivity. She suddenly felt horrifyingly alone in the darkness.

  
  
  



	12. Coalition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa offers Clarke am option that may save her people. But will it lead to Bellamy's death?

“Clarke.” Lexa said. Someone took the cover from Clarke’s head and cut the rope wrapped around her wrists. Lexa rushed forward and crouched down to look into Clarke’s eyes. She reached out and Clarke leaned away from her. 

 

“Don’t touch me.” Clarke said. Her voice was rough and she could taste blood in her mouth. One of the Grounders had dropped her heavily and she’d bit her tongue. Lexa blinked and stood up, her expression indecipherable. Clarke followed suit. “Where’s Bellamy?”

 

“I didn’t bring you here to talk about Bellamy.” Lexa said calmly. 

 

“Bring me here? I was on my way here to speak with you before I was taken. I was coming by choice until you intervened. What a surprise.”

 

“I couldn’t risk your not coming.” 

 

Clarke shook as she looked into Lexa’s face. It was the same feeling every time; always anger, resentment and heartache. She tried desperately to quell the fiery feeling in her gut, breathing deeply through her nose. “When I saw you just before returning to Camp Jaha, I told you that I was no longer the leader of the sky people. That still holds true. If you want to speak to someone, you should be more diplomatic and speak to Kane and my mother again.”

 

“Why did you go back there?” Lexa asked. Her eyes were on the ground as she paced in front of Clarke. 

 

“What?” Clarke looked up at her and Lexa ceased her tireless pacing. 

 

“Why did you go back to Camp Jaha?” 

 

“They’re my people, my family.” Clarke said roughly, her eyebrows knitting together. “You of all people should understand  _ loyalty _ .” Lexa didn’t miss the venom in Clarke’s voice. “I’m not here to catch up,  _ Commander _ . I’m here to ask you not to attack my people. You have us confined to a small area already, making it difficult to raise crops and collect clean water. You left us at Mount Weather to die after forming an alliance with us. You broke that alliance. And you broke our trust.”  _ You broke my trust _ . “You’ve given us no reason to form another partnership.”

 

“I’m not asking for a partnership. Emerson tells me that you have medical tools and technology that could benefit us, but which we don’t possess.” Lexa said.

 

“Emerson? He can go fuck himself. What’s  _ our _ incentive?” Clarke said.

 

“I won’t wipe the entirety of your population out.” Lexa said it as though she was delivering a great prize instead of a death sentence.

 

“Oh?” Clarke said, feigning relief.“You won’t slaughter us if we comply and become dutiful servants?”

 

“Subjects, Clarke. You’d be a part of the coalition. On the right side.” Lexa said.

 

“You’re afraid Ice Nation will form an alliance with us.” Clarke guessed. But, she already knew the answer. “And we’ll overthrow you.” 

 

“You’re running out of time Clarke. This is your only option unless you choose death for your people.” 

 

“You killed Echo.” Clarke spat out.

 

“Jus drein, Jus daun, Clarke. They killed Costia.”

 

“So, what? You lose someone and you suddenly have permission to kill whoever you want?” Clarke asked.

 

“I’m the Commander.” Lexa said. 

 

“You’re a tyrant.” 

 

Before Clarke could finish the word, Lexa’s palm collided with her cheek, the smacking sound loud and angry. The sting was immediate. “I’m the Commander and you’re living on my land. I’m allowing you to live. I could have killed your people the moment you hit the ground. And yet you live!” Lexa screamed. Clarke stared into her eyes. 6 months ago Clarke would have been awed by her. Instead all she could see was a petulant child. Someone just barely older than her pretending to be a “grown up.” 

 

“Don’t ever touch me again.” Clarke said coldly. “You  _ have  _ been trying to kill the sky people since they landed here. But, this time you’re actually getting your hands dirty.”  Then she turned as though she was going to leave, but instead she pulled a gun out and aimed it the bindi in the middle of Lexa’s forehead. Lexa flinched slightly, trying to dampen her fear. “I could do it.” Clarke said “I could end it right here.” Something in Clarke broke then. Part of her wanted to run into Lexa’s arms and allow her to hold her and another part had never hated anyone more. Clarke could remember the feeling of Lexa’s lips on hers. Her cheek still stung. Clarke could end all of it. She could make all of it go away in a second...but still the gun weighs in her hand and the lump in her throat threatens to erupt into madness.

 

“Clarke-” Lexa began.. 

 

“Don’t.” Clarke growled. The gun was cold and foreign in her palm but she recalled Bellamy’s instruction on how to properly use it. She held it up for a few more seconds before letting it fall to her side. “You’re going to allow my people to expand. You’re going to stop killing my friends.”

 

Lexa nodded approvingly and the implication made Clarke sick.. “You’re stronger than you think, Clarke.” 

 

Clarke shook her head. “Don’t you get it? I have nothing to lose. I won’t stop until your war on us ends.”

 

“I disagree.” Lexa said. Clarke’s brows furrowed in confusion. “About you having nothing left to lose.”

 

Clarke still didn’t answer, but her heart was beating furiously, fearfully. “Lexa. Where’s Bellamy?” 

 

“Belomi gon skai kru, hir!” Lexa called out to the guards. 

 

“No.” Clarke said, stepping towards her. “No, please. Lexa, he has nothing to do with this.”

 

“We both know that isn’t true.” Lexa said. Her eyes were bitter. 

 

A burly guard with tattoos that wound down his arms and hands came through the doorway. If Clarke didn’t know it was Bellamy, she wouldn’t have been able to identify him. Blood ran from his nose into his mouth, clots of it slowly sliding down his chin onto his chest. His shirt was torn and there were abrasions and burn marks littering his skin. Clarke turned and gagged, trying to fight the bile teasing her throat. Emerson emerged from behind the guard with a smirk. 

 

Clarke’s heart felt like it was being squeezed between two iron fists. She couldn’t breathe or think. Everything was spiraling out of control. “Lexa, why?” Clarke asked. She tried to run towards Bellamy’s slumped figure, but the guard gave her a firm push and she fell backwards. 

 

“Either you comply or he dies.” Lexa said. Her voice sounded even, but her hands shook. 

 

“What is this going to solve?” Clarke asked. “I should have killed you when I had the chance.”

 

As the words came out of her mouth, Emerson delivered a hard blow to Bellamy’s jaw. Fresh blood trickled from the corner of his mouth. 

 

“STOP!” Clarke screamed. She looked around, assessing the situation.  _ We have to get out of here.  _  Clarke thought. But her brain felt frozen. 

 

“Nou. Drop em.” Lexa said. The guard dropped Bellamy to the ground, jolting him into consciousness. 

 

The groan that escaped from Bellamy’s chest felt like a rush of oxygen after being underwater. Clarke was able to breathe easier.  _ He’s alive.  _ “Let Bellamy go. You and I can talk more. Okay? We can arrange something. I promise.  _ Please _ .”

 

Lexa ignored her. “I gave you an ultimatum.”

 

“I told you it’s not my decision!” Clarke said. Emerson kicked Bellamy in the stomach. “Wait! Stop! I...I can talk to my mom and Kane. I can convince them. We can figure something out.”

 

“We’re past that. I need an answer.” Lexa’s eyes were a mixture of pleading and a burning desire for control. 

 

Clarke’s heart was beating out of her chest. Her mind raced through a hundred different ideas each of them ending in Bellamy’s death. She looked down at the slumped figure in the hands of the guards and she knew what had to be done. Clarke knew what Bellamy would have said. He would’ve told her not to give in to Lexa. But she also knew what he’d do if the roles were reversed. 

 

“Fine. Yes. We’ll join you.” Clarke’s eyes stung with the words. She had no idea what was going to happen. But, she knew she had to get Bellamy out of there. No matter what happened, he had to live. “If you give us horses we can make it to camp to deliver the news in a matter of hours.”

 

Lexa shook her head. “No horses.”

 

“Lexa-” Clarke started but her voice was drowned out by the woman’s before her. 

 

“You stay here with me.” 

 

“You don’t need to do this. You have my word!” She tried to keep her voice calm, but the raised volume gave away her desperation. 

 

“Do as I say or he dies. Now.” Lexa pulled a knife from her belt and began twirling it at her fingertips. 

 

“You can’t just ride up to camp Jaha! They’ll kill you or-” Without warning, Emmerson plunged a dagger into the side of Bellamy’s stomach, far enough to cause adequate damage, but not enough to deliver a quick death. Bellamy shouted in pain, gritting his teeth. 

 

“NO, PLEASE!” Clarke screamed. “OKAY. I’LL STAY! Please, please, please don’t do this.” 

 

“I don’t plan to ride to Jaha. Bellamy can go back to them to deliver my sentence. But, you stay here. With you here, they’ll comply. This is for the best Clarke. Skai Kru will be a part of the coalition and we can finally live in peace.” Lexa replied. Her voice softened. She knew that she’d hit Clarke hard and the thought left her feeling something close to guilt.

 

The weight of Lexa’s words settled on Clarke’s chest. Abby would do whatever it took to keep Clarke safe- even if it was at the risk of the others and herself. Clarke looked at Bellamy and knew that he couldn’t make it back to Camp Jaha. The journey would take far too long. He would bleed out or go into septic shock. “Please let me bandage some of Bellamy’s wounds. Please. If you want him to make it back he needs medical attention.” She tried breathe evenly, but it was impossible. Her heart was trying to gouge it’s way through her body. The urge to run to Bellamy was so strong that it made her muscles burn. 

 

“If he doesn’t make it back, then he doesn’t make it back. We’ll march on your people.” Lexa walked over and crouched before Bellamy, taking his chin into her hand and forcing him to look at her. “You go back to Camp Jaha and tell them that they either agree to join us or we wipe all of you out. Every last one of you. You get back there or  _ everyone  _ you care about dies.” 

 

_ It’s all in Bellamy’s hands now... _ Clarke’s tear filled eyes met Bellamy’s, but for once she couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

* * *

 

 

Bellamy’s ripped shirt hung loosely about his frame and he clutched his jacket in an attempt to stem the flow of blood from his gut. He allowed himself one glance back at Lexa’s campsite, one last look at the last place he'd ever see Clarke. But, she was gone, no longer visible in the darkness between the trees... _ I’m losing her all over again _ he thought. 

 

Bellamy moved as quickly as he could, his ribs aching, his mouth full of blood. His head swam and the world swayed with every step he took, but he  _ had _ to make it back. He had to get back to camp. Bellamy had no concept of time anymore, only measuring his progress by how hard his heart began to work to pump his blood, how cold he felt, how much blood now soaked his hands as he fought to hold his stomach together. 

 

The sun’s light began to touch the darkened sky before he stumbled. Dawn was on it’s way. As he fell, he felt it’s warm tendrils touch his neck and he imagined they were Clarke’s, pulling him towards her. He was falling towards her warm body, her soft skin….Bellamy’s body slammed into the damp ground with a thud, jolting him back to the present. He cried out, blood on his lips. “Clarke…” His voice was a whisper to the earth. “Back...I have to g...get back….” He couldn’t remember where it was he had to get back to anymore. Exhaustion weighed him down and his eyelids began to droop. He could see Clarke’s face swimming above him. 

 

_ “Bellamy…”  _ Her voice was distant but welcome…. _ ”Bellamy….Bellamy….” _

 

“BELLAMY.” Octavia shouted. She saw him fall to the ground and try to crawl as she ran towards him. “Lincoln, he’s here!” She gently turned him over, fighting the panic that clawed at her chest. “Bell, it’s Octavia. I’m here, I’m here.” He was covered in blood, cold and pale. His freckles stood out in stark contrast and his body was limp when she tried to lift him. Octavia pressed her ear to his chest and listened hard for his heart. Nothing was there, no sound, no flutter….”Please, big brother. Please big brother, don’t leave me.” 

 

_ Thump _ ….

 

_ Thump… _

 

Lincoln rushed to Octavia’s side, dropping to his knees. “Is he alive?” Octavia can only nod her head. “You have to stay strong.”

 

He hefted Bellamy up into his arms and carried him to one of the horses tied a short distance away. Before he slung him onto the horse he quickly rummaged through a leather bag until he found what he needed. Lincoln balled an odd herbal mixture in his hand before pushing it into the wound in Bellamy’s stomach, covering it with a strip of fabric he tore from his shirt. 

 

In a matter of minutes they began to ride south towards Camp Jaha. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Please leave comments and let me know what you think! :)


End file.
